it can't be the same everyday...

Army Days 37 (Pre-Thailand post)

2012-01-29T18:08:00.001+08:00

envious of the happy faces in the mall,
sometimes i wonder why am i the only one down
the only one the sun has left out
the only one being pushed to the corner
to suffer in silence

the emotional ride back home
the gloom
is that all my efforts are worth

Army Days 36 (Week 39), CNY, 3109 gathering

2012-01-29T13:37:00.001+08:00

well.. there's really a big chunk of my life that's missing here. mainly because i find it too exhausting to do long paragraphs of typings since like a month back. it seems that i can never get enough rest, the usual NSF syndrome..

but since im flying off tmr, i guess i should make an effort today to at least record down whatever i could remember from there few weeks.

i remember ending off with a pre-CSB post the last time i was here, which of course i should have updated with a post-CSB post. and yes i passed it. the badge that i seriously thought was chicken feet (since all the commanders have it) turned out to be more than what it seems. i've truly underestimated it. the exhaustion, the hopelessness, the thoughts of giving it up all came in the first few kilometers. hell was SAFTI difficult to walk :/

but then the walk eventually got better. when all the pain necessary to condition yourself and your mindset sets in. it wasnt all that bad. and with the singing that many preserved to do, it felt much better.

i eventually attained the badge, it was really hard-earn :s but more importantly, the platoon seems to mature alittle after everything.

and then there was of course the CNY celebrations (which i was confined a day for defaulter's parade). the night without instructors is drastically different. its LAWLESS :) breaking every rules possible, the smell of freedom lingering around, and best of all, friends and food to party with :p teehee..

back at home, CNY celebrations remains the same, with obvious lack of the new year's mood as usual. no christmas no new year, these celebrations turned into any other book out days. making things worst, all the relative visits had to be cut short. and whenever they ask for the reasons, its always because i have to book in awhile later :/ im guilty :(

for the entire week we had been sorting out thailand stuff. but for me i've been trying to sort out my relationship with my buddy. its not a mutual thing, because he obviously didnt sense my hostility. and its not that i hate him or anything, but he's laziness is getting on my nerves. as such my conclusion is to stay as far away from him as possible so as to hate him lesser. i would rather stay in the toilet and scrubbing the urinals than to clean the bunk with him. honestly, im doing my best to salvage the relationship already :/

and yes, im flying off tmr, 5.30am flight. its my last performance review and im keeping my fingers crossed. there's really no safe zone in OCS. the moment you dont prove your worth, your head gets chopped. i really wanted to stay, but that is of course in irony of my enviousness for the gleaming faces of the OOCs. they looked relieved, happy. but why? i thought everyone wanted it so much. but it seems letting go is not the end of the world either. in fact, its often is because of others and never myself. who really wanted OCS, me for myself or other's expectations of me. that again, is once again a thought to ponder about....

3109's gathering was a rare occasion where i had fun. at the very least i feel appreciated.. and really, the games itself wouldnt be fun without the right people. the people's foolishness and genuine mistakes. the people's generosity in accepting other's victory and not see it as own's defeat. there i feel no need to draw my sword, im out of the battlefield...

yes im exhausted from fighting in the warfront. please dont relate it literally to army, its the constant expectations to keep up in OCS thats draining me. alittle bit of rest really aint enough, i need to recover somewhere soon. with happiness, with friends, with a peace in mind...

Army Days 35 (Week 38, Pre-CSB post)

2012-01-17T19:07:00.000+08:00

Im filled with fear. its not the 32km, not the CWO, its the live firing. 'Its dam easy!' , ' You cant miss!'. All these sort of carefree comments dosent seem to apply at all. I've learnt my lesson during ATP, how poorly i perform during live shoots. And yet again im being forced to face it again. Its a strange feeling, its uncomfortable, but yet i dont deny the joy i would explode with after the entire course. Im really keeping my fingers crossed, that i could get this badge that every commander has..

and at the same time actually i feel the excitment of chinese new year. really, my preparations had just been shopping online and searching of relevant recipes. chocolate crinkles, banana cake with chocolate ganache, cheesecake, blueberry pancakes, cinnamon rolls and coffee cakes. wow!

theres like a bomb of goodies waiting for me to make and so much fun at the end of the week! all these waiting for me once i survive this week

(wow, i just did alot of ranting and got deleted because it wasnt saved as draft because the connection was cut off and because i clicked publish without saving, dam!)

nvm nvm, if its just mend to be then so be it. cya tmr, after i get my badge that is :)

Army Days 34 (Week 35,36,37)

2012-01-15T13:53:00.003+08:00

15 days have passed since 2012. I find myself lethargic and tired of my current life. Its to the extend that i have to keep thinking of what pastry should i bake next to liven up my mood for awhile every now and then. Then again when i start to bake, the happiness is so short lived.

Theres really essentially nothing to look forward to in this new year. Its so solemn, so emotional. And booking in is such a scary thing. I will never know when i will get assessed or when the whole platoon gets punished again. We are afraid 24/7, thats how scared we are. The dark days in Jaguar and Dump-In are what we never want to repeat again. But yet the thought of Crescendo ahead simply puts alot of stress on us. 10 missions back to back, 20 appointments, and alot alot alot of punishment to be expected.

At this point of my Army life i've hitted a new low, so much so that theres really no mood to type anymore. And right now im serving extra duties in Golf Wing, that is to say i wont be booking out for 2 weeks. I look forward to learning, but i hate the kind of attitude the instructors give. We are treated like low-lifes, so un-respected. But yet in their arguments to defend themselves, it was all in our interest that we are being treated like that. I'm convinced, but accepting and tolerating is another issue.

In this sensitive period of my OCS life everyone's position in the school is being threatened. Any sign of giving up, hesistant, and incapabilities may just get you out of course. I dont want to live the next three months of my life on toes, its so mood dampening. TIRING

Come to think of it i've lost interest in the platoon already. I've lost trust. And at this point of time i only want to fulfill my own duties and perhaps do more to help. But i will never again expect anything more from the rest. Because right now, even my buddy is selfish in my eyes. I can never regain the platoon turst i once had in Sierra. The one big family with CPT Hairul as the master of the house. And then we had fun cleaning toilets, cleaning arms. Blasting music and enjoying food in the corridors. Its never happening again. Golf Wing platoon 1 had received numerous speeches from various personnel that tries to inspire. But you know what, all these speeches are way too mature for them to comprehend. You see when people give each other heart to heart talks, we listen carefully because the tone, the seriousness of the matter calls for it. For in this platoon, the level of maturity is JUST NOT THERE! Its not that they dont understand, but understanding and then reacting childishly and reverting back to their old selves is 2 different things. Obviously a large group of my platoon fits the latter description.

People think that they are mature by not behaving childishly. But in actual sense being mature means you are able to choose how to act appropriately all the time. You can choose to play kid in front of your friends or loved ones to entertain or bring up the mood. And then seriously lend your ears to those who wants to connect to you. THIS IS MATURE! AND ITS NOT BECAUSE IM NOT BEHAVING CHILDISHLY!

and it dosent comes with age, it depends on mindset. The sensitivity towards others and finally respond appropriately. This platoon lacks it! so no matter HOW MUCH PEOPLE TRY TO PUT THEM DOWN INFRONT OF THEMSELVES JUST SO THEY CAN DELIVER ANOTHER SPEECH, IT DOSENT WORK! one ear in one ear out, waste time, repetition bla bla bla...

Im pissed because my buddy kept telling me not to lose hope in the platoon when the sparkle in his eyes are obviously dulling. He's exhausted and show signs of giving up more often than ever. He thinks that im giving up because im tired. BUT IM NOT. IM NOT INTERESTED IN THIS PLATOON SPIRIT THING BECAUSE I KNOW ITS SUPERFICIAL AND MOMENTARY! To maintain u need to carve their core, and by simply telling them 'Hey Lets Help with ..... ' will really only last a day. Because these people find it fresh to play with, this 'helping' game that other people tried to impose onto them. They will play along, but you will never see a kid with the constant same toy every single day of his childhood unless he is desperately broke. Come on, admit it, this is human nature. This 3 minutes passion thing that runs out after the initial enthusiasm.

True enough i find my buddy infront of his lappy after he finished his own task. Never had he come to toilet for help because he always thinks that he is busy as well. And im especially pissed yesterday because he likes to use his appointment as an excuse to fulfill his task. Its annoying, the very person who talks about how we should go about helping each other AINT HELPING. Another Al Gore...

I can see where the instructors are coming from, but then low mike low confidence, low trust plus a rather unaffectionate PC. Life's over man...just keep getting punished and wait for ooc la...

On a lighter note, congrats to cp for commissioning :)

though somehow i couldnt feel anything that others had described it to be :/ numbed. do i not want to commission? then why is it that i dont feel anything?

Merry Christmas~

2011-12-26T11:34:00.002+08:00

Army Days 33 (Week 34)

2011-12-26T11:34:00.000+08:00

Well, after some recovery from Brunei, we're off to work again. With focus these days on UO, all of us had our fair share of fun stomping into rooms and playing hide and seek.

Its been a rather peaceful week i would say. Its all the Brunei follow-ups i guess. rest alittle before chionging again!

Then again that's alot more new faces back in OCS. With the joint term cadets coming back AND that they are commissioning soon that is. The service term peeps are going for Scorpion King soon and ourselves with our JCC badge as our pride. There's sure alot of progress so far. And that coming back to OCS gives me that nostalgic feeling. But yet at the same time alittle different. its a refreshing feeling that i get the moment i've stepped out of the cab. Like a brand new start, a beginning.

There was IMT and visit to Khatib camp as well. All quite peaceful activities...

19th Birthday! ^^

2011-12-20T17:16:00.002+08:00

well, unlike the usual big whoo haa on the blog and staying up all night till 12am to post, i've decided to take a break this year. exhausted!

every night i yearn to sleep, to get the rest i deserve and need. but then again there's just too many things to do over sleeping :/

anyway the birthday celebrations had been great. gathers before meals. and dining at swesen's. a plate of crayfish pasta to feed my crave during JCC :] and on top of it, a rainbow birthday cake from sis and 9 muffins from mum as a contingency plan. well, i'm full. aka satisfied :]

Army Days 32 (Week 33, 24 days in BRUNEI!)

2011-12-20T15:42:00.002+08:00

normally with such a big event happening in my life, i would be like updating this blog more than often. but right now im completely exhausted. no amount of sleep seems sufficient and im drained inside out.

the Brunei journey had been fruitful. It was an adventure, a seemingly never ending roller coaster ride of challenge between the terrain, weather and us. the only 2 weather status, CODE BLACK and CAT 1 were most memorable. but at those point in time, they dont matter anymore. no amount of dirt, no amount of wounds, no amount of mud and no amount of fatigue could stop us from going through. we went on and on and on and on. the steep climbs, the undeniably heaviest load ever, the ridgelines. gosh! all of them are such high obstacles. but it didnt matter, because the badge was at stake. and we want it bad, and so we pushed. with each passing day our hunger grows. our stomach growls like never before. and our desire and crave stood so strong that we could just feel the food inside our mouths. but it was never there... those were the days man...

but this mind disturbing trip surfaced lots of appreciation from all the pampered boys. the cooks, the food, the quail, the instructors etc.. people starts to see the preciousness and treasure those moments. they were grateful for what they had and gave thanks as loudly as they could. they had, perhaps momentarily changed. it was a happy sight then..

i'll perhaps describe more in details in the weekends. right now i really need some rest man ><

off to brunei!

2011-11-25T16:48:00.001+08:00

okok this is really the final one... farewell!

a little break before Brunei

2011-11-25T14:47:00.001+08:00

my mind was calm up till now
jittery, fear
afraid to fail the judgement
afraid to even be judged
afraid to change...

the want is strong
but its the will that will be tested
the pride, the honour, the prestige
to earn it, we'll have to overcome..

i've been doing what i feel delightful doing. to fill up time in the most invaluable way possible. its so precious nowadays... i'll let the pictures do the talking then... probably the last post before Brunei. I'll be expecting Singapore to turn into a joyous island filled with laughter and celebrations when im back :] so up till then, chao!

Army Days 31 (Week 30, Pre Lancer Post)

2011-11-24T07:18:00.001+08:00

the week comes to a premature end to allow preparation for my Brunei trip later on. im flying off on saturday, 3am..

and it is precisely because the trip that we were allowed to have lots of fun this week. the steamboat buffet on tuesday night being the highlight i guess.

who would have thought that we could have a buffet at the wingline's parade square. we drank (i didnt :]), we ate, we dance and we make merry. whatever rules, whatever restrictions, they all matter not anymore. there were even moments of people out of control, throwing beer cans, ice boxes etc etc. they went high, they went nuts.

i guess for myself i did enjoy little bits here and there. perhaps it was because i wasnt on alcohol that i clearly didnt enjoy myself as much as the rest did. dont lie... i'm still new i cant fit in perfectly and be who i am. thats the problem here. :/

anyways Brunei's coming. A good 24 days of rough and tough. Rainy season which drops passing rate by half, as told by the MO. Frustrating but we will thrive. Cya in a month's time :)

a little time-out in army...

2011-11-21T06:37:00.001+08:00

well since i have a good 12 minutes before falling in, why not right?

a few minutes in my blog hopping trip awhile ago just sets the mind pondering about the abstract concept of 'life' again. i thought i've once already defined mine, and that is simply to be happy. do remember and appreciate the little little things in life that gives values beyond its minature size. and that having a few good friends in life and a few options to choose from in the future will be quite satiable.

it all revolves around being contented with what we have and not dwelling on how much we've missed or couldnt attain...

such high order for such easy words..

i have to say i once was reaching there. i could feel myself appreciating what i have alot more than now. and i sulk less over my losses, though i have some comparatively more major ones this year.. but the point is i wanna take control of my life again. and the steps are quite clear.

to accept the army system and make it a point to tell myself that this is the path i seek not one that bleaks

appparently i dont seem to hold much faith in the system, except for some character development success once in a while. whats worse is the pitiful amount of time given to enjoy the smell of freedom OUTSIDE of camp. restrictions and more restrictions, how to be happy then.

Army Days 30 (Week 29

2011-11-20T08:31:00.001+08:00

finally a break, a long enough one to thoroughly enjoy myself for a day. and with such a strong crave, it definitely have to come from some tough training.

it gets tiring think about the days ahead. but yet thanks to the prestige of the badge, i somehow pulled it through. monday was crazy when we first discovered load that will be on our backs. the sheer weight of our field packs, our hands trembling slightly out of control as we lift it up. the pressure was mad but we have been warned by our seniors. and it could have been worse, if you're the signaler. yes, there's worse ><

tuesday and wednesday morning were heartbreaking moments. the journey in tekong snapped many of us. the heat, the distance, the agony as we trace our paths from checkpoints to checkpoints on the map, only to discover our back and forth routine on the island throughout the night. And who could forget the 4 knolls which we repeatedly climb. At the peak of each of them i was so thoroughly drained that i allowed the weight of my pack to take control, only to fall backwards to a surprisingly comfortable position to catch my breath. my chest was pumping relentlessly, to expand my lungs enough to meet my oxygen demand. i felt desperate...

before that we were baking underneath the sun for 2 hours. our initial march to cover the length of the island was tough. but our mid day route marches had trained us well. we did our best, but obviously most of us were trying to hold down our temper.

coming to an end to the first part of our tekong journey we lost a member midway. we were worried, some regretful, some too tired to care. many summoned their last bit of energy to search while others 'look after our belongings'. disappointing but pointing it out will only break the team even further... our lost member was eventually recovered and as the search party rushed back to see him, we found him well settled down with a packet of half-eaten ration in his hands. mouth full of excuses as we questioned his disappearance. one of my teammates turned around and whispered the word 'bastard' to me... .... i shared the same sentiments...

the later part of the this tekong journey was relatively relaxing. relatively... but with water trapped in the boots and trembling in the rain, its difficult to work. i remembered how miserable it felt to work under those conditions. but all these discomfort pale in comparison with the badge. we must have it ...

at the end of the tekong journey i didnt feel much. yes it was great to walk down the ferry terminal again in the direction of mainland. i'm a fan of the sea breeze there. but after that life was back to mundane again. the ups and downs plateaued and that's about it. whatever cravings i have there was gone. i no longer find the need to have chunks of meat in my mouth as i booked out of camp. what seoul garden, what buffet. they no longer seem appetizing to me. but in the name of friendship i've attended the gathering anyway, only to find myself and another to be the only one there. is this really the full strength of my team?

anyway here's some pictures to share...

Army Days 29 (Week 28)

2011-11-13T22:13:00.001+08:00

So with less than 24 hours book out, i've continued the week with Ex Hunter.

P.S. if you're rambling about how Sunday is always the start of the week, please just go away :/

Its another navigation exercise. Morning to Evening with what Francis has described as an upsized FBO. The seniors had warned us, the field pack's load gonna double. And its so true. If you seriously think Tekong Field pack weighs too much, think twice man. Trekking in FBO -.-

Anyway i feel achieved. Despite these days being so packed with activities, especially the physical ones. Im not complaining. Because if i want that badge, i have to earn it. And every training i get here is gonna give me a better chance in Brunei. Sheer pain and drain, train!

But i guess someone up there heard my calls as well. I've always wanted to contribute to the team in some way. Some way i see as significant. And as such i've always prayed to be the one to find that special tree that holds our clue. 'please let me find this, it means alot to the team'. and i found 2 out of the 3. :] sweet isnt it. the feeling of being at the top of the world while screaming at everyone else that the tree's here! it gave me quite abit of motivation to carry on :] Anyway the team got better at navigating i guess, except the time when we actually walked around a knoll for 2 hours and going back to square one. But no complains from anyone, so the team's awesome.

The rain gave an interesting conclusion to Ex Hunter. We stood under a tree for an hour, praying for our buses to come fetch us. But it didnt. It was late. And we were drenched and cold. Stood still and felt alittle miserable. What would it be like to have rain everyday in Brunei. The frustration, the misery, the sadness. Whos gonna be there to put out the flames when im frustrated, to pull me out of my sorrows when im miserable. Will it be myself, or will my team be the one?

To bring things back a couple of days ago. I had IPPT again. 9.49. :/ BULLSHIT! 5 SECONDS LESS AND ITS MINE! try harder i guess.

And for the first time i got an appointment for a mission. PS for a battle course. Its amazing how little i know given my time in OCS. How miserable my knowledge about the different roles and how i can still dream of becoming a PC >< i did whatever i could. thought its obviously not enough. I'm not gonna lie, nor lure others into giving me some encouragement. its a hard truth, so take it and change it.

the week's really been a level higher than before. perhaps even 2 compared to service term. so demanding and exhausting. but yet with a goal in mind, we'll do it. For that badge, for that rank., we have to overcome. And as i've always like to say. The army forces us to do many things. but at the end of the day, we are the ones who will discover what more do we have within and how better can we utilise these abilities :]

Army Days 28 (Mid Week 28)

2011-11-10T13:35:00.002+08:00

very quickly, its been a month in Golf wing. I aint forgetting the sentimental feeling i have with sierra wing, the affection. but that aint the point of this post...

indeed, as i step deeper into Golf wing, i see myself being pushed further and further. First Wolf, now Wildcat. these 2 mission exercises has come across to me as nothing less than 'tough'. And that the helplessness i felt sometimes got to ponder if im good enough for the rest. Especially yesterday, at the verge of breaking down, there i am just walking silently while some others were still enthusiastically navigating. How long has it been since i've not been pushed like that. The last time was probably in 6km Fast March in Tekong.

Training has uped several levels. That itself is easier recognised than to endure. Multiple physical trainings a day has gotten me exhausted. Is JCC really harder? What am i gonna face in Brunei? The fear is getting more vivid as time passes by...

And then and then, the armour peeps came back to OCS to fill in their lull period. Sadly all of them went over to Echo. What happened later was that i find myself closing up again. Throughout the extended lunch period i was simply reminiscencing the Sentosa outing over and over again. Alighting from the coach, walking to siloso, camwhoring in the process and the entire exercise. The past... its sure a scary thing isnt it.. there's no control over it, im just letting it fool around with my mind..

time for fun with my new buddy - olympus XZ-1

2011-11-07T11:55:00.002+08:00

the moment we stepped into 313, mum and sis heard the melodies of the military band. and out of curiosity, we out of the mall again to have a better look of the parade out there. And true enough, there was a small platoon of no.1 wearing troops marching in the direction of plaza sing. which mum was then reminded of the COG parade that the newspaper had mentioned some other day ago. we wanted to have a look at it :p and so we went following the troops as they dominate a third of the road and causing abit of mess behind.

the area in front of gate to istana was reasonably enclosed to allow for the successful execution of the parade. i, being one of the audience, was frustratingly far from the attractions and couldnt snap better pictures :/ but nevertheless i had a good view of it :p alright so coming to the parade proper. its a simple changing over parade of the guardhouse duties. 'during this 2 hours, you shall not SLEEP, EAT etc etc' lol. as the commander was reading the verse, i was like 'duh..' kinda thing :p and following the changing over there was a PDS performance which appealed to many. i thought HCI can do better :X SORRY! opps

Teh Tarik during dinner. Nice~

And at night i decided that its time to make a lava cake just for fun. besides, the ingredients are so simple for such a delicacy. my sis chipped in a great deal of effort i must say. afterall, the pro cant resist showing off her skills XD actually, she just wanna have fun i guess

and with so much effort, it cant fail right?

putting a bit of icing for deco and extra sweetness...

and wah la! not bad a? the lava was thick and stayed well inside the cake until i removed a slice. the cake itself was alittle crispy because its freshly baked. a pity it wasnt sweet enough but its definitely still a success! and whats more about it is how much excitement it had bought into the house. the joy of cutting the cake and seeing the lava oozing out. sis was rushing to take pictures and even place a candle on top of it to celebrate. lol, it was sure fun ^^

Army Days 27 (Week 27)

2011-11-05T22:43:00.000+08:00

I hadnt been able to write these few days. Perhaps im getting lazy... Afterall, pro term had already started.

To begin with Pro term is really taking a toll out of me. The numerous double sessions training per day. The FBOs, the runs and the studies. Its like an endless route of assignments to complete. But indeed, theres no limits to self-improvement right? Besides, theres always constant maintenance.

Im alittle tired. As i start to experience a little bit more about my new comrades, i get quite intimidated by some of their actions. Getting angry over someone but dont know who for loosing stuffs. Uncooperative and going senseless. Disorganised too. Whatever happened to the platoon in the past that caused them to break in times of difficulty.

Ex Wolf, my first field camp with the Golf Wing guys. It was an alright experience i guess. But at the same time frustrating. There's an obvious difference in style of conducting a platoon battle. But i dare not say since im the minority. I could only stand at the side and slant my mouth to the left while waiting for others to finish their fire fight. As of what i've been taught, the platoon strength is not utilized. But nevertheless i recognise that im the one who needs adjusting. And that although the essence and teachings from Sierra can be kept, i must not be stubborn..

So coming to the end of this week, its gonna be another hectic week all over again. The cycle repeats and soon enough, JCC would come :]

a new toy

2011-10-30T15:32:00.002+08:00

preview :p

Army Days 26 (Week 26)

2011-10-28T22:39:00.000+08:00

something quite enormous happened today. and for those who are still somehow being kept in the dark, OCS had broken the most number of people doing 1000 sit ups at a time record in the Singapore's book of records. :]

proud to say im part of it :D

who would had imagine a thousand sit ups possible?! like would it even cross your mind to do a thousand? i didnt! and the day i was told that im in, i was kinda reluctant coz i was in doubt of my abilities to handle this unknown. But then you know in army there'll always be those evil friends that will pull you along... its peer pressure for a good cause i guess :p

so the conductor was from Hotel wing, the one and only wing that does 1k sit ups up until today. He's the wing comb in fact. I would say it had to be him to pull everyone through. No one else could have done better because his character and his experiences are really remarkable. In fact i didnt find it a drag anymore. It became fun and i felt myself being part of something meaningful. It was a few minutes thing that changed my mindset, so you could see how strong his words were.

But then there were little disappointments along the way today. Much of it was towards my ex-comrades. Or rather i should put it as self-disappointment. In a way they did anything and all along im the one fantasizing and painting this colourful, vibrant picture. A couple of slaps woke me up alittle, though dreams are where i would rather be. So ya.. i have to move on right?

Army Days 25 (Week 26, block leave ends again >< ohno!)

2011-10-26T13:02:00.002+08:00

Add caption

yup, so continuing on with the previous post, here's the product. its quite immoral of me to post someone else's gift here but then again i tot the readers are probably like 3~4 people so its dosent really matter :p besides, i've photoshoped the receiver's name away :P

the thing is i wanted to keep a record of what i've been doing. at the very least give myself a little pride in my work and feel happy again when i refer back to a solid reference instead of vague memories. furthermore this piece of work nearly defines my entire block leave! hence i think it holds more significance than being a gift.

yup. so all that i've been doing these few days is really just THIS (apart from cy's gathering of course)! in short i've went to all the art shops and art supplies store i know of. the 2 'art friends' in bras basah and taka, the 2 'paper market' in raffles and plaza sing, 'made with love' in plaza sing, 'art republic' in velocity, the 2 'typo' in wisma and velocity and of course, IKEA. >< haha if you're thinking why does all these places taking up 5 days? that's because this muddle-head flicker-minded idiot here don't always gets all the stuff he needs at one go, sometimes he regrets and went back again and again...i kinda feel proud of my commitment ^^

fyi, i give the same attention to all my projects. just that this one touched on the concept of 'time' and 'spiritual animals' which i've never really entered before and hence lack the materials in my art box to move on smoothly.

i think it was a week ago i posted on how i felt quite dependent on these people. and that the sentosa trip was so memorable that i just dont really wanna move on. the truth is i havent really got over it until i've finished this gift. so in a sense it seems like a farewell present to me. a gift that wraps up all the memories and lock it away. 'thanks for the memories'...

perhaps my only real emotional attachment was towards a resolution i've made to myself to complete this friend's present. this particular one which i told myself that i must complete because it means something special. like you would want to do something for a true friend right? besides, even if i've considered him 'true', this would probably be the last gift since the friendship would probably fade away like that in BMT's. So ya, should do a one times good one then...

i feel lighter seeing the gift coming to a completion. probably because i've completed the last promise i've made to myself. so from now till march i'm probably not gonna have any more projects. yup, and fyi i've completed this 4 months earlier. so its just gonna sit in my house till the time ripes. by then i probably wouldnt feel as strongly for this friendship as i had a couple of weeks ago. in fact its fading fast now, what a pity... friendships that last long are really rare huh, perhaps its takes like a schooling environment which puts you together with them for a couple of years rather than going through shit than a couple of months. the formal is probably more lasting as demonstrated....

coming to the end of this block leave i feel that i could have done more and could have saved more time on travelling. indeed im kinda broke >< buts its an emotional relief to have completed this. so time can be said to have been well spent i guess. and moving on, i supposed its really a new start tomorrow, and that next few weeks' gonna be rocky. praying hard i can get my JCC badge, it really means alot ><

a gift for later..

2011-10-24T23:53:00.002+08:00

i guess i was being a little gan chong to be making stuffs meant for 4 mths later... like come on... there's still 4 months..

and then when i was selecting some of the pictures for the project, i came to wonder if its really worth it to be hastily completing it now, given that 4mths later the receiver may not even matter anymore :/

like why is this person even so special? o.o

i really do wonder sometimes don't i? ...

friends... and what i defined it to be...

2011-10-23T21:39:00.004+08:00

first thing's first, happy birthday cy! :D okok its alittle early but still, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :D

so after the little bit of fun we had at cy's house today, i pulled cp along to ikea, where i search for new ideas for my up coming projects. and here comes the spark that triggered this post.

Cp commented that 'i don't have to do this you know, and he is running out of ideas for me year after year'

hmmm...i thought to myself for a moment there and i didnt give the best answer that i would like to. Actually, a gift is how i transmit messages across. That seeing you as a friend means you're worth the time and effort. Its never meant to be a symbol for reciprocation :/

I think my definition of friend is quite complex. True friends are really hard to find, and i've said before there's really only that few that's currently in my life. And i would probably want to treat these relationships with my best attentions right? Its probably the same for Edna as well, that's how she gets her message that 'you are important as a friend' across too :p

i'll be honest, i treasure few gifts i've received. Because as much as i put in alot of effort in those made by myself, i treasure an experience even more the item. Getting a gift back is really, just secondary..

I've loved the times i've cycled to barrage, the steamboats, our first WII session, zoo trip, and the most recent addition, sentosa trip with sierra. Its these experiences that far outweighs the importance of the gifts. Really! you've never seen me blogging about a really good gift except for 1 or 2 pictures right? Once again, its because i treasure the experience with my friends so much more. And that at some defining and right moments in life i've somehow acquired the skill to materialize these memories into a gift shared between me and the receiver. that's how the idea of a 'gift' comes about.

come to think of it so no pressure if you're running out of ideas, coz even a simple meal in a comfortable environment and a few hours of chat would suffice. :]

true friends are really difficult to find and i also understand how easy it is to loose a relationship. i'm fine with it for normal friends, but i will give a struggle for the close ones. perhaps thats why im quite active in terms stringing relationships. i think to some people who are not used to my habits, they might find it strange for me to keep doing this sort of stuff :p they find me gay for sharing, for doing crafts and childish for playing like a child. sometimes naggy through my letters. but what to do, this is my only channel to express my gratitude for appearing in my life eh :p

anyway true friends are really countable, and the number is less than 10 ><

Army Days 24 (Week 25, the official start of PRO TERM!)

2011-10-21T01:42:00.003+08:00

well i guess its been a smooth sailing week hasnt it. the people are nice, the wing comd's friendly and im fitting in slowly.

so then yesterday there was this JC visit where students get to visit OCS. i was really really hoping to see AJC / AMKSS NCC but neither party came :( a little disappointed but so be it :p and then due to the connection with sierra again, i found myself traveling to echo wing to talk to them quite often. even back at the warrior's hall, its always with the ex-sierra guys. give us some time ya? im trying not to think about the good times too much nowadays. i even avoid going up to my ex section mates during dinner to say hi today just so i could retain my membership in the golf table...

but then again, after hearing their unreasonable treatments there from sebas, i have this urge to pull them here ><

ok so today there was this run with the Chief of Army. nearing the end of the 4km run, i told myself that if i dun overtake him NOW, there's never gonna be a chance to do so! yup i was mischievous and overtook him :D of course i wasnt the first to do it :p lol

and we also had our beret presentation today! finally the bronze green beret has reached my hands. its quite symbolic as a senior cadet to be wearing a beret, so i guess i can really take pride in this artist hat :p

overall, its not easy for the sierra guys to inculcate into the different cultures easily. some found it easier but many more found their selves in whatever trouble already. status, ooc, extras etc. dam! its really not working out nicely for us >< hopefully things will brighten up with this block leave! :D

a little wake up call? the secrets behind blog hopping :]

2011-10-19T20:45:00.000+08:00

well i guess thats the secondary functions of blogs right? learning life lessons

now hadnt i been a little closed up these days. looking at the sky through the Sierra eyes but yet doing so while lying on Golf's bed. The difference between dream and reality..

i've been harping on it hadnt i. the same old sierra story which i just couldn't let go. the comparisons between the wings and clinging to them every opportunity i have. come to think of it, its actually quite tiring..

to be doing all these extra stuffs is really just to create a mirage that sierra physically still exist. To find reliance in them so as to avoid the stranger attitude when dealing with Golf?

im really bad at managing such soft skills, i just find it hard to open up again and again.. worst still force myself to click with people of characters i cant fit in. its just green and blue...

and whatever happened to the people i used to care so much for. the vows and promises that made my world tremble and my earth shake. NCC LAND? 2206? whatever happened to the bonds i've cherished. have i really just placed them aside? or are them being eroded bit by bit?

sometimes they run through my mind for awhile. its comforting to simply adopt the idea of visiting them next year after i've commissioned. or that eventually there will be one of those gatherings popping out. its like a self-delusional mindset, SOME THINGS WILL NEVER HAPPEN UNLESS YOU INITIATE.

yup so thats about it. the thing call 'bond' that weakens over time... its just a pity if its lost..

"A soul mate is someone who understands you like no other, loves you like no other, will be there for you forever, no matter what. They say that nothing lasts forever, but I am a firm believer in the fact that for some, love lives on even after we're gone.”

soul mates huh? how many have i identitfied so far? so little and perhaps, maybe, a weakening bond..

i tot i've found one more in BMT. really! but it died immediately after POP
and i think i've found one more in Sierra. but then again, theres just this missing connection..
those in secondary school still stays, hopefully they would last :]

yup im a firm believer of making quality friends. to be considered as a soul mate takes a lot of trust and understandings. and that its really not those that you find in army. that simply jokes and complaints every single day. that sometimes dont go too deep. but as much as i respect my relationship with those i've considered close, sometimes a nonchalant attitude is quite heartbreaking...

missing

2011-10-19T20:11:00.001+08:00

first official week in Golf wing... alittle early to summarize aint it...

then again, i have so much free time at hand that i have time to feel lost...

bonds with sierra peeps still stand strong... and clearly im missing the whole lot of them.. And in this free time i clicked on the sierra album again. This time when i look at song, i feel a little lost..

uhhh...

uhhhhhh...

sickening....

but then its not all that bad i guess, coz im fitting into the wing bit by bit.. shall talk more about it tmr.. :p

Army Days 23 (Week 24, the Start of Golf Wing)

2011-10-14T10:31:00.000+08:00

favourite self-shot pic while on the tram :) its just different

something is not right if i keep updating this blog within short period of time...

im booking back in to Golf at 12. And so within these few hours of uneasiness, where i really had nothing to do but to think about Golf, i went to click on the albums again. I know i have gone through the Sentosa album for billions of times. And for that few minutes i was really smiling to myself that i had those good old days recorded. And at the end of the album, i was thrown back into the same turmoil once again...

i think Sierra's value of the word 'family' has really been infused into me. and no matter how much i keep posting on FB that things will be alright after awhile, i still cant seem to tolerate the uneasiness very well. I kept wanting to burst, to just flare up at the unfairness in life for breaking us up. For fuck did they bond us together so well and then tear us into many many shreds later on. And now, everyone's not happy, at least for this moment of time.

if im just gonna keep staring at these pictures, i probably wont move on, and i probably wont even give Golf a chance to step in. BUT IM NOT A SAINT AND I CANT HELP IT U MORON...

It call feelings la, attachments that's hard to let go :/ frustrating :/:/:/

Army Days 22 (Week 24, the End of Sierra)

2011-10-13T11:44:00.003+08:00

due to pure fate and maybe luck i've perfected my shrinky dinks skills. and if you could remember earlier this year i made a bunch of mutated ones which left me unwilling to touch this form of art ever again. but giving it a second chance had proved to be worth the time. They look effortless, but they sure cause alot of headaches ><

And so its the end of Service Term, and the end of my Sierra journey yesterday (121011).

We started off with a 24km route march, probably a not so grand version of BMT's. Surprisingly it was alright, didnt sustain much injury from the march at all. But i guess the march which was supposed to be inspiring turned out disastrous. It left a pretty bad ending BUT the people made it right i guess. Everyone wants to end on a high, but in the midst of forcing it out of us it isnt right if anger and sadness was being forced out as well. Quite disappointing there.

And so after some anger which i conveniently used my voice to dispose it off in my songs. It felt alot better. Especially when Francis and LTA Lim En and other angry Section 4 mates sang together. It turned out fun to be shouting and shouting for the last 4km. And though the headstrong me who was still trying to act angry but shouting out loud, it ultimately just turned out to be fun >< i couldnt sustain the anger to send the msg across that 'you've made me mad'. lol

So at the end of the journey came a very uninspiring parade. I HAVE TO BE HONEST I DONT FEEL A THING BEING PROMOTED TO SENIOR RANK! the normal goosebumps just didnt come -.- in fact i was munching on peanuts to keep myself awake -.- And being the tone-down version of a 24km route march, it was simply a parade on the Elephant Hill, in the dark somemore... fyi my next 24km route march would be just a normal trng o.o BMT's highlight for every batch turned out to be peanuts outside of the island >< sry didnt mean to criticise... i think yesterday's march really pissed me off, especially to see how a high rank instructor could just ditch people off.

yup so at the end of the march, Sierra being Sierra, would know how to end it HIGH. We ended up at the top of another knoll to commence our prize giving ceremony. With alot of presents and of course, our call signs being given to us. Pictures are a must, definitely ^^ It was a very relaxing and cheery moment, quite a comparison to later at the wing line.

We were rushing to move out in time. But then there's always this slow down in time when we all gathered at level one, now stateless with our bunks no more, and waiting to move on to a new journey. It turned emotional. Many teared, even the toughest among the batch did. Myself almost, could feel the stimulation in the nasal area when i was falling in to march to Golf, but i controlled. Its really hard to leave friends that you've bonded so well with, that you were seeing almost everyday. But i just wanna control, because i feel that i needed to be strong in order to receive Golf. Its just hard to explain. And i usually let out my emotions days before the actual departure, be it through words, cards, cry whatever, so as to not feel as bad when the moment arrives. Ya and so we left the wing for good, the 17 of us going to Golf left after bidding farewelll. All the best to the rest of the guys >

Golf is a friendly Wing i would say. I feel quite fitted in already, ready to engage in conversations. And the thing is though i may still feel lost now, i really hope to build even more friendships here, those that will go a long long way :)

That being said, the bonds formed in Sierra is of a different league. Dosent mean they will be replaced by Golf's. There's always space for more so no competition here...

BYE SIERRA! AND GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE FROM 84/11 SIERRA (ESPECIALLY P1S4)!

Army Days 21 (Week 24, the Last of Sierra)

2011-10-11T16:35:00.003+08:00

well its an early post today to mark the end of my stay in Sierra wing. Not exactly the very end, left with 24km route march before marching off to Golf across the street.

And since im staying in Golf, im an Infantier now. Yes i chose infantry as my first choice over Artillery. Over what reason? I'm feel kinda shameful to talk about it. Its not for myself but honestly, for others.

You see i have no opinion over whatever arms i prefer. And im probably the kind who gets attached quite easily, emotionally. Probably thats why i keep making cards to mark every end, because i wanna spill everything out before i break off.

And so i chose infantry, a choice much influenced by some of my section mates. And partly because im not willing to leave the much familiar environment i guess. Yup and the postings came but i guess we are still separated into different wings. My first thought about the namelist was that it felt incomplete. And as i was desperately looking for the names of those i wanna see beside none, i found none. They were grouped else where. And it didnt take time to feel down once again, so i just allowed my emotions to settle as deeply as they could subsequently for the rest of the day.

That was yesterday btw. I kept thinking about the segregation. And as for today, i simply thought about how life goes on everytime this happens. You get comfortable and then get pulled out and thrown else where over and over again. Sometimes better getting thrown in groups, and even the worst situation improves after the first week. So just accept it la huh.. yea i guess..

This morning i gave out the cards and charms. Starting with the charms - It was a tag with a nickname for them, name as well as identity number. Accessorized with an arrow, which carries with it the meaning of ultimately finding the right direction when you're lost. I thought its quite relevant in the Army context since there's always so many tough decisions to be made. Wish them well.

Honestly speaking the reaction of the receiver is really what matters to the giver. I'm always interested in how the receiving end of my gifts would react. But guess what, its Army you know. Don't really expect a bunch of guys to react to your words and express accordingly. Some of the letters contain what i could describe as secrets in the section which i've gathered over the months. I thought i could see some changes after that but i guess not. It was quite dull... :/ lol fail. One even shared the content of my letters and comparing length of the writings, pretty much not the first thing i wanna hear i guess...

Yea anyway its not right for me to expect returns when im giving. Its the same as having an ulterior motive i guess. But i think i cant really help it since im too used to getting feedbacks at the end of the day. Muchless to say the words this time round weren't really the superficial ones i've used when giving feedbacks. They were quite true :/

So anyway, so be it. I give cards because i always have so many things to say but too difficult to get it out of the mouth anyway. So ya its alright.

Shall get ready to move on. 24km in 5hrs time. And Sierra Wing away we go ya!

Army Days 20 (Week 23)

2011-10-08T11:25:00.001+08:00

16km fast march away we go ya!...

Yup so this week was a tiring one. Lots of running, lots of marches and lots of combat training. I am truly burnt out the night before, like every ounce of energy is just used up.

Come to think of it i truly treasure every small little time i could spend with my army friends, knowing that our term is ending soon. Even the short 30 minutes trip to gift shop during nights out was enjoyable. With Francis, with Zane. Its like even if we dont interact with each other that much everyday, it was still fun to just hang around in the camp mischievously. The happiness just doubles when you know these moments might possibly never come again.

I know its difficult to understand. Because i myself cant really find like-minded people in the Army, except one. People tend to do things and probably not get so attached to their daily routines. And then when everything is over, they can just say goodbye and adapts quickly to a new environment. But I on the other hand always choose to be attached to all this small things so strongly. Many said that im emotional, but i guess its just the things we hold dear that differs. I just have to touch the heart with my every task dont i?

Another thing worth mentioning was Ex. Sunbeam. Its like a Service Learning project which we took some under privileged kids into the camp to let them experience Army :] They were at most 12 years old, the norm being 5 to 6 years of age. To be truthful, i didnt feel as emotional as the other service learning projects. Or rather i was uninspired by them simply because i had much too little interactions with them. Perhaps they added an interesting twist to the rigid army that day, but that was about all i could feel. And neither did i try to dig for their stories which will essentially be what can move me. But what kind of human am i if i were to keep probing troubled kids about their troubles. Thats just pervertic -.- So we ended up just letting them play to their hearts content and hopefully they could take a breather from the activities. btw they are cute, but their overwhelming energy just prove to be alittle too much for soldiers who had endured a 4km run, SEOC and combat trainings the day before... :/

And god damn it the Sentosa trip last week is truly a bother now. Feeding a little kid sweets is as good as having heroine given to a drug addict. And making me have fun with the guys just throws my mind into turmoil once the fun is over. I knew it. That if i enjoyed and bond to them too much, i would essentially be saddened again once we are forced to separate. And now i cant help but reminisce over and over again what happened last week, thinking about the fun times and they were to never happen again.... simply because its near impossible to gather army guys outside of camp. Thats why i hate the army for its inconsistency, for the change that is so intended all along. For that i would be pulled away from my section in 4 days time and possibly never to talk to some of them again. And that our bonds will eventually weaken till the day i wont even feel a thing seeing them online on FB. The colours will fade with time and so will the attachments. What a waste, then why even bother to build these bonds in the first place...

Army Days 19 (Week 22, Social Night)

2011-10-02T10:35:00.001+08:00

the night where the rowdy army boys don on the prestigious no.2 for a night of mingling and fun. here's social night for you.

i ought to thank my partner for not making me uncomfortable as to what should i do to keep her entertained or whether or not shes having trouble walking around. Instead, most of the conversations were quite smooth and i thank her for accepting my informality as well. In any case, im glad she didnt just decides to sit on the sofa and shut herself away :)

so the real event itself was quite a fun one. perhaps i was a free-man at the end, hence i would find it easier to engage in conversations of whatever topic and however long i want. and that the considerations of my inappropriate actions in the function itself is significantly smaller. That being said, no matter how much fun was present, i know my way of harvesting the joy of the event is a little different...

many could have noticed and calls it 'emo'. but the thing is i dun feel that i need to be in the norm to truly experience the true meaning of the event. i enjoyed the times standing alone and watching others have fun. or that by simply humming the songs and echoing out the lyrics, understanding the meaning of every line of the song in the occasion and then relate. its a very peaceful way of savouring the moments i guess...

part of the reason i felt so 'emo' was that social night is like a prom. it marks the end on a high, with the intention of leaving everyone with a good ending. but the better the ending comes a harder resolve when detaching from the wing. and to miss is to feel a loss. hence the harder the resolve the greater the loss and miss. but we all have to move on, to soar and to excel higher. and that it is event like this that highlights how important things that we've taken granted for are, be it entering sierra or being posted to OCS. i feel grateful to be there, and im missing it already...

on a lighter tone, many thanks to partner (shall not name you in case you get stalked on FB :) ), to P1S4, francis, wei jun, sebas, song, en jia, wei yang, dinesh, zhi wei, to SI, 2LT Felix, and of course to the organising committee and sierra wing for the night :) it was enjoyable after all...

Army Days 18 (Week 22, Sentosa Week)

2011-10-01T10:07:00.001+08:00

Well i guess i didnt wanna leave it to after social night since my emotions for yesterday's trip would be greatly masked by those in tonight's event.

The trip, i guess, was quite meaningful. Going around the island, doing stupid things in our own world, as if all the rest of the tourists are invisible. And like what many have commented, i do enjoy the last rundown on the beach as well. the great sense of satisfaction when we've finally reached the pavilion as a whole, though i didnt really like the idea of ostracizing :[ and since im the sect comb now, there's a responsibility to do something about it i guess.

I really really like the first station :) where we staged a play on the merlion walk. breaking rules, lying on the ground in the middle of nowhere and finally being invited to take photos with a tourist. it was fun, something which we will never have done as a normal civilian. its a once in a life time thing.

And of course who could have forgotten about our London bridge with the tourists from Bali. A pair of blur but yet enthusiastic couple which brightens up the day :D its just fun ^^

The camaraderie displayed by the team at the end of the journey, where everyone ran barefooted on the heated tar roads because one of our teammates had his slippers broken. Doesnt this just makes you take pride in the section more? And as we move on we might ourselves being broken up again. Its a heavy feeling but yes, it will happen. Its a pity but i ought to make something that everyone can keep as a momento right? A piece of something that holds the memory of their service term in OCS...

And i guess the trip didnt just end at Sentosa. Spent a few hours at Vivo with this friend again. And at some random point of time i find myself asking him why is he always the only one so willing to join me for dinner when i asked the whole section out. His reply, which i guessed aint true, was because its 'on the way'. I gave a smirk, believing that he knows my purpose of asking the section out and is in some way supportive of it. Razor mouth, marshmallow heart...

Well the truth is the section always has this animosity which i strongly believe could be relinquished with a simple meal. Where everyone could just chit chat and smile. But it never seem to work :/

And at another point in time he questioned my reactions towards 'accepting' from others. Which he left no stairway down the stage for me and force to answer to myself, 'i dont know how and i feel awkward'.

And at the final stretch of this small journey i questioned if he knows that despite him holding a higher authority and punishing us and blabbering out that he dont care if people hate him because he's pushing for standards, there will always be people below him that will give their best to support and wants to maintain a strong tie with him. He replied with a gimmick, his disguise.

I dont know if my points got through, but the entire night held a rather powerful conversation. I take every word seriously and though his gimmicks always makes him seem care-less about it, i strongly believe he's taking it in. Because at the end of the day i always believe its not about finding your old, perhaps happier self back after events and events of unhappiness, but morphing into a future where you want yourself to be in. Doesnt matter what happened before, dont look back. Concentrate on what and who you want to be in the future and work towards it. No point comparing with the past anyway if you know what you want now...

Earlier of the week i made a rather important decision. And that is to express interest in Infantry. Could Artillery be the delusion of others and never mine? Well when i pen it down on paper, it didnt feel right and that confirms the answer to the earlier question. Or could it be because of 'friends' that i've chosen Infantry? I dont know but i've officially became the minority. Many started to question my decision after that. But i couldnt answer truthfully, making up things which could perhaps makes me look like i have an opinion. The truth underneath it could be perhaps i really didnt care where im in as long as there are friends by my side...

Army Days 17 (Week 21 Scorpion King)

2011-09-24T20:51:00.001+08:00

I'VE COMPLETED SCORPION KING!

yay?

oh comeon! i ought to be happier right?
well, not really

i've completed my digging, my shellscrape, my fire trench, and part of the command post. i should feel happy about completing. But then again, completing seems to be taken for granted anyway :/

yea so i'll perhaps describe the mission? we first attacked up a knoll. and then we occupy and started digging since evening. though my buddy and I had to dig our own fire trench, we were eventually moved by LTA Hairul to dig the command post through the entire night (thinking that we dont have to dig fire trench anymore).

happy as i was, since more than half of section 4 was there, united in a common hole, for a common goal. i really really gave my all because as i've said before, i wanna give him my full support. that's what it means to be true friends right? perhaps it was this thought of being able to help him directly that spurred me on. that kept me positive throughout the night. and that when the 5 started to break apart for other responsibilities, the motivation was lost and towards the end came a complete halt.

eventually first light came and my buddy and i were informed to start digging our fire trench. my heart sank since all the rest had finished digging their's. besides, i used up quite abit of stamina for the command post. and so we started, and we just have to finish because it has to be done, no other reasons required. we dug and we dug. and eventually it was done.

i was hoping to find more emotional breakthroughs though...

so anyway we had our fair share of punishments for ill field camp discipline. what's more i've signed my first extra for tripping over a tripflare. it didnt really feel bad, i mean i've learned to face the music in SAF anyway...

so as much as i would like to end this post with like a huge lesson learnt, there really isnt much. I know how much i've treated this mission with fear and anxiety in the past. and i know i should have more WHOA YAY YES! kinda thing here. but the thing is i just cant.. perhaps just perhaps, i'm disappointed?

haha im lying. its not perhaps, i know i am. I know the moment liyi announced the gift thing that i would be the only one doing. and that some part of me i was keen to get everyone involve in this. i thought as a sect comb i should be gathering everyone for this opportunity to show their gratefulness for 2lt felix. and that even though i would probably end up doing the project alone, they could at least feel a tiny bit of ownership by tagging along in the purchase. but i guess its just a waste of time for the majority... (of course i could understand those who really doubly hard during scorpion king, but the rest is just :/ )

and to my friend. i've always long to be able to speak true to you one day. that one day you could remove all your mimicry, that you will find it unnecessary when we are in conversation. afterall, i will definitely appreciate your true self, the side of you i could connect with.

Army Days 16 (Week 20 Pre- Scorpion King)

2011-09-17T13:11:00.000+08:00

as i have believed, even though i'm a free thinker. there's always someone/something up there that's hearing our voices. or rather it is our destiny anyway. or that when we have come to the moment of preparedness, others around you can sense it.and henceforth your opportunity is here.

this new pal of mine talked about his willingness for the platoon sergeant post. and to no surprise at all, he was chosen 2 days later. and as usual he put himself down by denying his abilities with the excuse of being the unlucky one out of this random poll. i thought i've walked down the same path before, feeling so insecure. and no matter how many people tell me i'm doing fine, i wouldnt believe a single word from their mouth. believing that comfort is far from reality. what proof do i have that im doing alright? how exactly can i test for the veracity of their words? i cant, hence i do not take it in and i think i cant make it. but then somehow or rather i found that bit of confidence in my own league. and at the very least i do not feel so doubtful about my abilities anymore. i know he will do well, because no one person whose sincerity is so obvious can fail in his task. and as his direct underling, i'm already drawn in to give my best support possible for him. and i'm not the only one who had taken the oath. that's his style of leadership which i think is one of the greatest i've seen so far. its from the heart.

and why am i his direct underling? because someone/something up there had heard my voice as well. perhaps our HQ ops room is a prayer room in secret. anyway i didnt hope to be his subordinate or anything, i wanted to be a sect comm, whoever the platoon sergeant is. and it was quite a twist of fate for i'm only informed and replaced the prior candidate at the very last moment. i thought i would never get a chance in service term anymore... anyway i think i want to start small, as usual. slowly working my way up and mastering every level than just one high level. perhaps i just dont have the confidence to be up there yet, even if its infront of the platoon. in any case i dont want them to see how i lead anyway, because i myself finds it scary and unreasonable at times. but i dont deny the curiosity of releasing the aura again :]

anyway next week's scorpion king. i remember myself introducing this mission as one of my greatest concerns. i really dont want to screw it up now. especially now that i'm this close to conquering this fear.
:/

alright i will leave the rest of the time for other stuff :] cya

Army Days 15 (Week 19)

2011-09-11T13:24:00.000+08:00

Im gonna skip everything, whatever platoon field camp, whatever skylark nightbird and whatever platoon battle course. because nothing of that week made me feel as heavy and lost as today had.

and all i did was guard duty...

I was foolish, to judge based on my pair of eyes and label each and every one of them. i myself should be labeled, as perhaps 'the most blinded and hypocritical man on earth'. my conclusion were lousy, were one sided and unfounded. they were the essences of schemes plotted by others and my ignorance became the fruition of those idiots.

To an extend i felt quite ashamed towards platoon 2. be it for eugene or mukhil that though we literally do not cross paths at all, their image in my eyes were extremely despised then. But then all it took was a day of interaction too dismiss all those misconceptions. They were nice people, but because of the situations and those who tried to bring them down, their image were distorted in the eyes of the audiences. :[

but then this aside, i feel honoured to gain another friend. a true pal that truly understands and uses his heart to speak. as the night went on, we uncovered layers and layers of truths. each more astonishing than the previous ones. i've never felt so easy to share, so unashamed of my past. In fact i could do little to help, i felt helpless at my loss of words. and i didnt want to comfort either, because saying 'i understand' is the worst thing that can be said. no one will be able to, and no one can fill that hole. as i spoke to him my heart feels heavy and emptied. it sank. it sucks to hear others suffering, especially those who you care about. i wanna do something, something for him because he is important, something that could perhaps settle his anger and remorse a little. something to trade for a few moments of genuine happiness..

And at the same time I felt unjust for him. For that teachers who failed their duty to inspire ended up being the trauma of his/her students' life. He said he didnt care, but i know he does. Who wouldnt want a teacher's praise for their efforts? But when she sends the opposite message across, it shatters the heart completely. My future is locked to education. And NEVER will i want to despise my students. I'm inspired by teachers who cared for me in my journey and im one of the lucky few who constantly gets good natured teachers. He reminded me that there are fucked up teachers (pardon the language, i need to extremity) ruining lives of unlucky students and that another teacher who cares will probably save like 120 students every year! Thats why i want the job because it makes a hell lot of different . Its not just the curriculum, its how a person's character can be shaped by the sculptor. A teacher who can relate to his student and draws out their abilities. That's my aspiration and thats what i wanna do.

Army Days 14 (Week 18, AHM 2011)

2011-09-04T13:20:00.000+08:00

Well, after a rather short but dam tiring week which i shant dwell so much into, i have to admit i do habour quite a bit of ill feelings for the Army Half Marathon today.

BUT I WAS DAMN WRONG!

i can now understand WHY people would put their bodies under tremendous stress for marathons! Its the feeling of running around main roads in town area with so many people around you. And not only do runners get to enjoy the scenery, the entire atmosphere of the run is just so motivating. Its like being a part of something BIG and EXCLUSIVE. Its like all other commoners have to give way to you o.o there was a blend of supremacy feeling in my excitement then. It felt great to tackle 1km after another and at the same time there isnt a lack of companionship. The run was just so happening and that no matter how much pressure my heart was under, it couldnt take over my mind. Of course the last 200m must be the climax of the run. I just kept running, telling myself to meet the 60min timing. And that when i heard '200m' i just HAD to garner every last bit of strength i have reserved for the moment. My legs felt easily spread out and i was losing alot of heat out my skin. The feeling was like having goosebumps and the hairs were standing. There was a cool sensation everywhere and slight numbness in response to my great sense of fulfillment. Yes! 10km completed in 57min 28 sec ^^ which i am dam proud of. Come to think of it i was never a long distance runner and that today i have to run 3km more than my longest distance so far. But the OCS training paid off i guess. Indeed, with the school's name on your shoulders, you wouldnt want to give up anyway. I want to complete it in 60min and i want to run throughout the marathon. These 2 were my only goals. To the army i used to resent, im starting to feel its impact. :]

a not so long break...

2011-08-29T23:38:00.001+08:00

grateful to our democratic country for we have a presidential election when we need it most and thanks to racial harmony, we are rewarded with another day of freedom. :]

im really looking into a break after centipede. for i could sense my frustrations are beyond my control. i know i cant keep my usual composure in the room. my usual comments zoom out without restraint. and after that, regrets. ><

amazingly i've used the entire day to complete my book. half a day actually. i've used it as food for the soul, as a temporary escapism into hogwarts. yes i was hook to deathly hallows just hours ago. but im through with it, done.

as for the rest of the day? recuperating i guess, sleeping. 5 o clock was magical and 6 o clock gave a warm feeling. i was reminiscing, stringing up the past few years' dusk into a whole chain of something. the evenings my mum would spend whooping up dinner while dad does the laundry. and myself would be hiding in the room, enjoying the last bit of sunray that manage to shine into the room. its a moment of comfort. far from the day's stress and the night's pressure. the only moment of the day that can be spent peacefully and honestly. that's dusk.

it felt like any other day. the feeling didnt change with my status. be it as a student or as a nsf, dusk feels relaxing. and why am i only blogging about dusk at night? i guess its when you cant have it anymore that you feel more into it.

Army Days 13 (Week 16 & 17, Ex Centipede)

2011-08-29T17:55:00.000+08:00

i remembered how intimidated i was by sgt luke's casual comments on 10 days outfield in OCS. afraid, deterred. after that 5 days of mud crawling, foul smelling, boar fighting outfield, i was strong in my decision to never enter OCS. but come to think of it, only the '10 days' was true. and even then, it aint entire true, only 9/10 of it. the rest was all my imagination...

you see the think about army is that they would always try to prepare you as much as they can before your embark on a high key. its great, but sometimes no amount of preparation is ever enough. that's when the sufferings begin. but then when you have infinite support from your fellow section mates, you always pull through somehow (though i would have really appreciate the situation if jerome's still here).

but anyway, back to the exercise. it really aint that bad. getting bath, to sleep on safari beds. i suppose there's a deeper objective than adapting to field camp lifestyle as of bmt's. its more mission oriented and demands standards proportionately to the treatments. im personally thankful for all the humane treatments but at the same time felt like a bastard.

apparently in a command school, it requires you to take charge. and being appointed at the last minute expecting myself to react appropriately on the spot is never my strength. felt quite loss there. whatever tactics, whatever moves they choose to make and not to make, i cant fully appreciate at all. my military knowledge dulls significantly in front of the rest. this thing about warfare, it seems everywhere.

i feel like i cant perform. or rather perform properly. in a school where the elites are, whatever you do in bmt only deems as necessity. whats beyond that sets you quite far from the rest. and quite obviously im lagging. how ever many As i get in A levels dosent mean a thing here. im a slow learner, one of the slowest i would say in my knowledge and always require assistance :[ its a thorn in my pride as an independent individual and i longed to assist than to receive.

perhaps i ought to believe i have that innate ability somewhere (recounting on how my buddy told another individual that he believes in his abilities but his lack of confidence is pulling him down). that moment i wished the affirmation was mine. and from the mouth of my buddy, it would mean much much more. and speaking of him, there's not much chemistry involve. im sentimental, but he's logical. he takes my feelings as spoilt and wilful i presume while i respond with razor sharp words coupled with cold shoulders and oblivion to his next couple of moves. what can i do? i cant form that irreplaceable bond i had in bmt as much i try to. he's not even trying. i see buddies as personal figures, as the firmest mutual support you can turn to. but he sees them as a partner that comes and goes as he moves on. our difference in maturity that perhaps derived from age or pure character disparity sets us quite far apart. and i know from my words in my diary that im starting to discriminate some of his actions which would eventually breed some animosity.

i've finished my book, and i dont have any more distractions away from him for the time being. i would be bothered by his 'eh' once again. yes i really appreciate people who calls my name now. : / : /

shall end it here, i've finished my piece. perhaps when im 24 i should review this post once again. and from his perspective i shall see if im to be blamed for this relationship strain.

Army Days 12 (Week 15)

2011-08-14T11:21:00.000+08:00

I've been on this page for hours before finally managing to write something down. the week's been pretty messed up. its so so rush that i could barely remember what im doing everyday. there's an overwhelming number of activities happening every week. waking up at 5.30 in the morning and working till literally 10pm before turning in and opening our eyes to begin the very same schedule. phew! tiring sio!

and as such im numbed. my only entertainment to boost my morale alittle was perhaps reading HP deathly hallows. yea perhaps im a little lag, but i never knew i could read a hundred pages in a day. (comeon! i could barely finish 2 on the last book ><)

well nevermind that as i've just remembered that it was national day this week thanks to the book (the link is complicated). and so, it was supposed to be a short week but we were all so busy that by the end of it we were just sapped. well we were preparing for our tekong outfield next week. cant help it, there's just not enough time to go through everything in details.

even as we admire other wings for their early book outs, we could tell ourselves to press on and that the weekends will be here eventually. and to it simply in army terms, thats to suck thumb ><

but of course being in SIERRA. there's always attempts to balance out our stress level. be it through team bonding - orientation / obs style games. or through little little re-assuring talks by our PCs / sect combs. further more, i had an extra sense of motivation. i've finally gotten my silver for IPPT :] not much to many, but its a dream come true. 239 for standing broad jump when this squirk came in to OCS with only 222. and then another 20 seconds improvement in his 2.4km run to 10:05. he's reaching his gold/goal.

army is indeed amazing. how in just few weeks time you can just keep improving by following through the programs. you dont even have to take initiatives for extra trainings. army aint that bad, but you just have to deal with new challenges everyday. they just keep coming, you got to know that. and you just have to keep moving. the pain will never last and you will come through ultimately. day by day, bit by bit. and occasionally look back and tell yourself things like 'hey! i've been in OCS for 5 weeks already!'. its definitely encouraging that times flies here. and to make this journey alittle sweeter, there's always friends here you can click with. yup companionship! that's goddamn impt as well! treasure it treasure it. stop whining and treasure it.

to be honest i dont even feel bad for booking out late now.

Army Days 11 (Week 14)

2011-08-07T07:30:00.000+08:00

well, things are getting in placed now. i no longer feel home sick or deprived anymore. but at the same time i feel myself talking too much. as in i accidentally revealed some inappropriate comments based on my feelings which i thought should be kept hidden. really, the best thing to work is really to shut up, listen, work and only speak necessarily. whatever other feelings you have should be kept within you or till there's an appropriate timing to blow them all up. ranting to others is simply not the way :/

and training has finally begun. the instructors are finally pushing us for ocs standards. again its the kind whereby they demoralize and put you down before warning you about more cruel future if we dont buck up :[ BUT at the end of the day i still feel a tinge of concern for us, the cadets. especially from sir felix and especially from the WDI, the one who punished us. its ironic for me to not hate someone who has punished me using methods that upsets my beliefs. this wing has something good in it. Just like AJ, its the mentor and the head. :p

Army Days 10 (Week 13, the start of service term)

2011-07-30T21:48:00.001+08:00

there's something wrong with qinjie if he says he likes army... indeed, he is neurotic now..

he didnt know at that time that what he believed in could disobey him. it could turn on him and soften his ideals. it could actually turn out positively...

the week started out rough, especially after family day. i remembered that few hours after mum and dad left was most difficult for me. its like my numbed feelings were reawakened. to think it took me 2 weeks to forget about home but yet an hour to miss it again. down, hollowed, whatever. it felt bad then. and then we had to move from BRAVO to SIERRA. the bonds that had been fostered will now be reshuffled. it felt quite unbearable to leave i would say.. a rough emotional 2 weeks..

but then in Sierra wing it wasnt so bad. because honestly i like that wing. i like the instructors and i like the people surrounding me, especially my section. the change in perspective had been great. i came in depressed and low. but now, back home, i actually start missing OCS already. and then when i think about having to leave them in 11 weeks, like how i would feel when i left section 1 in BMTC, the feeling was strong, even though the departure is still long. this wing emphasizes on the word 'family'. its beyond brotherhood, its a closer bond they are trying to foster. the unorthodox methods of bonding is working so well on me that its melting me. i dont know how else i can describe this feeling but i'm so fortunate to have such people to work with. people who care, people who are dependent, people who at the end of the day you would want to be with. somehow the propaganda of army is working on me...

family day pictures :)

Army Days 9 (Week 11 & 12, the beginning of OCS)

2011-07-26T22:53:00.000+08:00

perhaps you're puzzled why im here... blogging. well actually i've decided to just shuff everything to one side momentarily to peace my soul. i need to blog, to just pour out and record all my feelings now.

well i am still confined in SAFTI MI. but i've gained greater freedom in terms of leisure but not necessarily more time. but weighing work against my mental health, the latter needs a balance too. I'm booking out this saturday, 6pm :[ utterly disappointed especially since i'm so looking forward to spending time with my family

NCC, AWARDS NITE, NDP etc

anyway i was called down 2 hours ago to gather... and now, its lights out -.- shall continue this post at a later time.. cya!

the day i begin.. OCS

2011-07-12T05:26:00.000+08:00

alright, its moments before i end my wonderful block leave. goodbye!

PTE now, OCT tomorrow...

2011-07-11T20:21:00.000+08:00

the last night before leaving home once again. i feel a little saddened namely because 'freedom' will once again be beyond me. i will miss home, definitely, the days i spend simply with my family. honestly speaking i dont feel confident in the course. when i tried to revise through my tekong syllabus, i find most of them blurry. i dont wanna be the best there, but i definitely do not want to be one of the last. i know im already weaker physically when im posted there because of ippt. i just dont want to be burden to the rest, and especially to my new buddy. honestly the 3 weeks ahead seems alittle dark for me. hopefully i wont do too bad there...

my uncle called moments ago, giving me his best wishes and asking me to enter Golf for friendly reasons. he works there btw, thats why i suppose he's especially concerned. but i cant lift my spirits up no matter what i do today. i just feel so low and demoralized. its like everywhere i go people reminds me of how tough OCS will be. even when i accompanied mum to the wet market, her friends would tell her (and indirectly to me) that her son will be back home everyday. :[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ sad ttm, im envious of these people

im a family guy and so i do tear when im separated from them for too long. i do feel hollowed out no matter how much im distracted. these 3 weeks is probably not gonna be easy, its probably gonna be ruthless to me. my limits will be tested and at the back of my head i need to remind myself who am i doing these for. though its gets emotional, but it should help when i think about them.... just like field camp... and whats more i can look forward to their visits next week, and then followed by a book out :] hopefully things would turn out fine, and hopefully i can get into Golf. its 33.33%, so pray hard :)

Posting Day part 3

2011-07-09T11:32:00.001+08:00

i just feel like cuddling up in my blanket in tekong and do nothing but staring into the dark for the next 24 hours.

posting day part 2

2011-07-08T23:00:00.000+08:00

its been 1/4 of a day since i found myself a spot in OCS. i've settled down abit and accepted the decision made by the gods and goddesses of army. as i was ranting to my parents about how much i would want to be in SCS and regretting not putting a definite no to OCS in my survey, i kinda give in to reality. for its the army that i'm facing and it was partly my decision from the beginning anyway.

lots of things went through my mind before anything even begins. Being platoon IC, the high ranking officers, the regimentation, the turn outs, Scorpion King, fire movement, IPPT, etc etc. There's so much my mind had to be prepared for and the amount of pessimistic thoughts in my head just keeps piling up. I just want to at least meet the minimum standards set by the elites of my batch. But I dont feel confident about this part. And that i dont want to be a burden to my buddy, one who constantly have to seek help. I'm worrying too much on the wrong issue, on how others would view me because of my limited capabilities. I care about lifting up to the responsibilities the army (or even more) had placed on me. Now that my fate is sealed, i cant play escapism anymore. And nor can i say things like 'i will do my best and watch how things go' as i did for BMT anymore. Is doing my best even enough?

Taking a step back i think i'm setting ridiculous standards for myself as well. Perfectionism i suppose. I dont expect a single error from the top 10% of the cohort right? I'm barely giving enough space for myself to breathe, much less to give OCS an opportunity for itself to prove its worthiness of my time. So what do i do now? Try hard and die trying? Press on and push like how i usually do. For the first time in my life i feel so much like backing out before even trying. Looking at the 9 months ahead i feel dejected. I feel stripped off 'life' and i feel awful being labeled as OCT.

I will feel better expressing myself without responsibilities. Perhaps thats what people view as going beyond the miles. But really, an attitude or a character cannot be the whole of oneself. Adversity quotient, physical capabilities, IQ, i think the deities of the army forgot to take into consideration these...

(stopped and peeked at FB for awhile)

i guess my usual readers would find where my strength comes from. and that im not the sort of person who can motivate himself from within out of self interest of whatsoever. i cant go on ranting about how i will be a better person after each day and expects myself to carry on enduring the misery. i need an emotional attachment. I think my first smile today, apart from seeing my mum discharging from ttsh, came from the cadets who commented on my fb status. when they pinned their well wishes on my fb wall and express delight to my posting, i feel happier than usual (in fact i feel bad when others congratulate me because it aint really what i want). It feels happy to make them happy and i want to make them happier, longer :] dam, they make my day :/ having a strong emotional attachment and support really do help i guess. but right now i need the night to think through and sort things out...

Army Days 8 (Week 10, block leave week)

2011-07-08T14:52:00.000+08:00

the question requires no waiting. the long awaited respond since the start of bmt has been answered. im posted to OCS as an officer cadet.

i live in denial all the time. rejecting what my true wants are in the name of practicality. at times i would dream about life after ocs. and then i would slap myself and say 'scs'! as a matter of fact i dont know what i want. paranoid? perhaps. all i want to be is a teacher, do i really need such a colourful start to begin with?

honestly speaking, i didnt want to try harder for SBJ to improve my pass to silver because OC said before that chances of entering OCS is slim if you only attain a pass. it was then that i held back, to stay on the line between entering command school or not, just so others can give a push on either side and decide for me. theres no right or wrong, just someone who is confused and had decided to let others judge himself.

but its funny though. that when i was first ignorant i felt so happy to imagine. to think what its like to command and stuff like that. and that when i finally logged in and saw my posting, i felt quite disappointed that i couldnt follow the majority to scs. my heart sank alittle to think how much of the outside life i would be missing and the obstacles ahead all cluttered my mind. whatever whatever, i feel abit drained from all those thoughts. my mind feels so unsorted and doubtful.

accept it?

Army Days 7 (Week 9, the last of BMT)

2011-07-03T19:15:00.134+08:00

I guess when you're reaching the end, saying "finally" would only give you a momentary feel of joy and satisfaction. The truth is, i will miss BMT. The feel of a freshee, the togetherness of your platoon, in particular your section and definitely the bond as an entire company. Saying that its over is kinda difficult. And at the instance i picked up my cat, it was alittle saddening. It is not the moment that i will cherish, it is those moments before and after that will be missed. And for that, i thank BMTC for the experience.

Well for those who dont know, i've POPed from BMTC. Completing a 9 weeks journey and bidding farewell to tekong for the last time. We started off with a 24 km route march down a familiar route. One that i've taken in my first night cycling. Indeed, it was then that i first saw the SAF ferry terminal, where i started to feel worried about NS that is still years ahead then. Now out of the terminal i've walked back the same route. The journey that i used to cycle as a civilian, i'm back as a trained soldier now. The march was indeed tough but focus is the key. Then and then i feel a little helpless. But needless to say with your platoon mates behind you, you cant feel alone nor dejected. For the seemingly endless night, the thought of POPing as the end in mind will overpower it.

It was indeed happiness when the march end. When you know you have cleared the most difficult part of the journey and all that's left is a performance to sum it all. Confidently we stepped onto the platform. And with the cheers from the audiences, i feel proud. It was utmost honour to be on the platform, to be in the limelight with your pals. The feeling could be compared to standing at the top of a skyscraper and witnessing the majestic view below. At that moment i felt nothing but pride as a soldier. It was great, it was worthwhile, it's awesome.

The few second before i threw my cap. The moment when my jockey was resting on my shoulder. The rush of adrenaline and the build up of happiness. It was overpowering. Its sweet, bitter-sweet. Thank you so much for the experience, thank you bmtc.

And here i would like to leave some special notes for my section mates, the very people who had been with me since the start of the journey.

jerome ko aka bud. well im glad i met someone with similar character as me. meek but crazy at times. introvert when it comes to new environment and keep things to himself. avoid troubles, behaves properly and cherish bonds. abit BHB at times, but that's for entertainment so its alright. honestly im glad i had him as my buddy. looking around the platoon i couldnt find anyone more suitable. i don't feel anything negative from him, as if he was naturally born to be a friend and not a competitor. these 9 weeks were great with many thanks to him. we've pulled through and we've never fallen out in front of adversity. we can proudly say we survived field camp without dropping out. we've been through a lot together and indeed he had given me great care and concern throughout the journey. he cares for his friends from the bottom of his heart and he is one that really knows how to connect to the hearts. thanks bmt for such an awesome buddy :)

well to section 1, i feel compatible to this group of people. Before i carry on, let's list them here to refresh myself 20 years down the road

4101- Jonathan Song
4102- Walter
4103- Nguan Han
4104- Jing En
4105- Andy
4106- Xin An
4107- Jerome (BUD)
4108- myself
4109- Nathaniel Toh
4110- Zailan
4111- Yit Khai
4112- Jerrold
4113- Yu Long
4114- Swee Kiat
4115- Nathaniel Leong
4116- Jia Wei

well jing en once said this to me, if you tell other sections to do area cleaning, they will only slack, only our section will take sergeant's words seriously and area clean. How true. We're generally a hardworking bunch, refusing to slack when there's work right in of us. As a section we took our work seriously and for myself, i believe i would have gone mad if the rest of the 15 were slacking while im cleaning the toilet. Furthermore, they have a fun side on top their serious work attitude. John song, the outgoing and loud one who will always be giving ridiculous, colourful sex comments. Or that roger (jing en) who will always be ready to sing for us and imitate the commanders favourite quote. And who could forget the ultimate slacker xin an who take his own sweet time within the time limite given. His slack techniques are unbeatable. But then again, he would have been a great friend if it isnt army. I believe i would appreciate more of his character outside of camp. I believe i told sir during our first PC interview that my section was infact bonding more quickly than the others. i still believe strongly in my comments then, given that most of us differentiates work and play pretty well. We've been through a lot, felt a lot and i'm sure we appreciated each others' presence no matter how bad the impression is. Thanks guys being there, for being such awesome section mates :]

And then i should carry on with the toilet team right. I think we started off small, doing only the basics and are afraid of filth. But slowly we realised that the toilet's cleanliness is of utmost importance in not dragging the platoon's book out time. And that we grew to take initiatives in our jobs. We take pride in cleaning it and indeed we've receives minimal punishments because of our commitment. To us, i believe, we take pride in what we are doing basically because we may possibly be doing the lowest graded job there is. And for the same reason we are respected and appreciated. I just hope the team realised that at the end of the journey it is really the effort of the entire team that counts and shows and that the platoon's appreciation for the our efforts is REAL. take pride in your work! thats where the toilet team's team spirit is! great job guys! im dam proud to be your IC :]

To sum it all up, here's some pictures of the parade to share :)

Army Days 6 (Week 8)

2011-06-24T17:32:00.000+08:00

well, its coming to an end, the end of BMT.

its kinda sad actually, and im missing the days back then already. the feeling of a rookie who was so dependent on his section mates and of course, his buddy. the feeling of the unknown and feeling fresh about it. just trying to savour this feeling once again brings in some sadness since we will be separating again. from the lives of different individuals we converge, and now from the lives of recruits our's shall diverge. the bond fostered will be missed and the things we do will be engraved deep in. its great journey and i've enjoyed it.

this week's highlight is probably 16km. personally im quite surprised by my own enthusiasm to overcome this ordeal. esp how 12km really bought me down. im glad i've accomplished it and yeah! i did it man! :)

as for drills comp and games day? it was alright. personally im not enjoying the feeling being surrounded by hatred from the past. whiskey? raven? viper? pegasus? allies? foes? why cant we simply enjoy each other's show and be able to laugh as we wish to. 'to enjoy' was the objective of the activity, but yet its diminished in the hands of those very people who set it. i just want to enjoy, but yet it seems like a crime to do so. as a member of whiskey i could only hate the winged animals? what a joke, especially when the history of this relationship started so childishly.

next week shall be my last week in BMT. i have to enjoy it :) i must :p

Army Days 5 (Week 6 & 7)

2011-06-17T18:16:00.001+08:00

picture taken on saturday night, after a day of SITEST, a warm maggie meal and pants-drying-session with the campfire

yup, i was confined one weekend for situational test. for those who are wondering, its a company thing and i didnt do anything mischievous to get me in trouble :p

being in week 6 & 7, confinement felt easier. it wasnt as stressful as in the first 2 weeks. in fact, it was a whole lot better. as i've mentioned earlier, i've learned to take things easy and to cushion setbacks with a positive mindset. indeed it really helps. i know i did pretty badly for BMT, screwed up many things, blur for many moments. but i'm forgiving myself as long as i see improvements the next time round. no time for sour grapes, but have time to regenerate :)

12km route march was hell for me. it really really really was. i felt the end would never come and i felt helpless. i went berserk and did some self-harming actions to divert attention away, i felt i was going crazy. at the edge of my stamina i realized how weak i was in terms of physical capability. at that moment i mocked at myself for wanting to enter command school, for wanting to take on the 32km route march, i must be crazy to even think about it. indeed there were friends to cheer me on, indeed i've forged a stronger bond then, but its still demoralizing to realise how much it took out of me to complete that mere 12km, which was suppose to be only half the distance of my actual route march. i have to re-think about my future plans. bud's right, think for yourself for once for you know yourself best. no one else can decide for you no matter how much they say. do it for yourself it shall be. as for the SITEST, it was okay when i was the IC. i had a good team to work with, furthermore many were skilled with the rope crafts. i felt i did alright, but not shining. but its okay, i had fun and i've made friends :)

in the midst of the test was a saturday night which lifted our mood. all of us set down for a mini campfire and to cook our maggie. the feeling was great. to be able to gather with your section mates after a day of hard work to enjoy a warm meal in the muddy grounds. it was a rare opportunity and its much treasured, love it. as for the crazy things like warming up our butts with the fire, it was fun and laughable and i supposed, missed. 7 weeks backs our paths crossed. and 2 weeks from now they shall diverged once again. may the bond last and may our friendship stay. all the best to Whiskey coy 02/11 plt 4 sect 1 :)

Army Days 4 (Week 5)

2011-06-05T11:27:00.000+08:00

by now it shouldnt be fresh to anyone that field camp's over for me. for all the ruckus i've made last week, its all over for now. exhausted? sapped? well quite. just before turning in, i want a record of this event here :]

field camp was an emotional roller coaster. sometimes i feel proud to be here, with the urge to press on and to conquer the rest of the days. but sometimes i feel soft and weakened by the thoughts of home. tuesday marks the first day outfield. there i was high kneeling at the front of the cigar formation, waiting for the signal to march off. i tried to be upright and kept a proud posture and suddenly i asked myself, why am i doing this? a few drops of tears formed behind my spectacles frame. but hiding underneath the bulky helmet, i feel secure to cry as a form of motivation to push on. to say that im doing this for my home. thats about all i could think off and the only reason for me to be pushing myself in this course.

i cried again and again in the next few days. not because of fear, but because of despair. when the IC gets heavily punished and we were made to be the audience. when he recovered and pleaded us with a smile. it feels as if acid has invaded your heart and it corroding it and that you are torturing others with your selfish mindset. its mind game that army is playing with us, but sadly those who are immune to this will continue the suffering of others. and the third day of the camp we received another round of punishments to meet unreasonable timings. and then when we settled to receive the soft yet intruding words from the commanders, some of us couldnt hold our tears again. we felt guilty for not doing enough. for not putting in our all in every moment of the camp. and when the topic was switched to family, even more felt the despair of missing our loved ones. i thought this would had been enough to push the platoon on for the rest of the camp, which is what i normally see in NCC after an emotional breakdown. but sadly some of the people quickly fall back into their old self when out ration was delivered to them. disappointing, and i was reminded of why i became nonchalant to others' wrong doings. some things just never change...

saturday we were back to coy line. and again punishments for slow movements. as we were made to pack and unpack our field packs within unreasonable timings, we exhausted the last bit of energy we had. it was not as simple as putting books into bags, it was a great deal of effort to push and pull. one by one our mates fell. faint, black out, hyperventilation, exhaustion. you name it all, we have it. we were desperate and driven up the wall. we were at our limits and started hating why cant we do more. and there were the commanders who were criticizing us for being selfish, for the lack of teamwork and for the lack of cooperation with the IC. he was pushing hard for it, with his old mindset and the support of the rigid system. but he didnt realised that he was actually breaking the team apart....

all of us broke down as one by one fell. and as the commanders were attending to the victims, the rest of us quarreled. some shouted at each other while some others cried over the tense atmosphere. i wish the commanders had seen how much we hated each other after each punishment. as everyone tried to push everyone in all sorts of directions. as we feel unmotivated and unrecognised and carry on. and as we feel like breaking down and just let go of our ambitions. this was all the doings of what they call 'punishments'. no one at the top realised how different the current of batch of recruits are. they didnt realise that the old system of breeaking everyone down and reforming them together is not working anymore. they get frustrated over the poor results and turned towards us. punishments, criticism, comparisons. they will do everything to put you down in the name of grooming you up. can someone see that it doesnt work anymore. i've seen it all in my days in ncc. how different my batch and the batches before are. there was this major gap in mindset. punishments will bring little in outcome, but those who chose to lead by motivation will receive great rewards from the recruits. just why cant they as the commanders, as the leaders in SAF realise this. even if they just spend a minute observing us after punishing us they would have realised this. but they are too binded to the punishment system, as if that is the only way to groom us because its direct and easy to do. but did realise that they themselves are exhausted we are not improving?

i will be honest. i feel unmotivated in my actions. i do not feel i can trust all of my platoon mates even if we had been through all these obstacles together. i feel lowered every time im compared and i feel small and useless in SAF. i do not feel that my commanders know me and that they can lead me to anywhere. honestly speaking, i feel that the system is failing in the 3rd generation army. indeed we were taught in our education system to think our every actions. we are groomed this way and when forced into a rigid system of unreasonable situations, we are lost. when not touch the line and do we have to do this? what attire to wear? they say we have no common sense, but the truth is they demand such detail that we are afraid of making mistakes. that we dare not try anymore because we are maggots and dogs. in fact, we are lower than dogs because cant understand them, the instructions of our so call owner. when in fact we look at them in same light as how they look at us. as much as we dont how to follow, they dont know how to give. that in the eyes of those with flexible thinking, their system is rigid and ineffective. but because of rank and age we shall be at the disadvantage end. and we can only keep these to ourselves if their ears are forever closed.

i feel incompatible with SAF. whatever ambition i have feels too far fetched. i cannot understand why SAF cant lead with motivation instead. why is fear and punishment still rules the system. even NCC can see the new generation works best with motivation and responds little to punishments, so WHY CANT THE SAF see this?

to me, the Singapore Armed Forces is like a proud and arrogant eagle. high up in the air and far away from the earth. it is deaf to the people below and it will forever think it is the best. but one day if war really happens in Singapore, can the SAF really do it? as a soldier i have the responsibility to protect the image of the SAF, but honestly i do not feel that the SAF can. i feel that many soldiers will run straight out of the country and that few will truly want to protect their homeland. i suppose as the new generation continues to be recruited, this feeling of trapped and imprisonment will only get stronger. because we were taught to think that we are different from the old soldiers. because the system in MOD is unable to keep up with MOE. right now i feel bleak in my future in SAF. i feel like i will only get punish every single day anyway not matter how much i give. trying living a life with nothing to look forward to and only thinking about what kind of punishments you will receive that day. its quite lifeless isnt it...

Army Days 3 (Week 4)

2011-05-29T11:11:00.000+08:00

4th week in the SAF and i seem to have gotten used to the life there. But then again it is needed to remind myself to not to get too comfortable with the situation i'm in. After all slacking off is not an option.

This week is ammunition week, where we finally get to fire our SAR 21 and threw a live grenade. The long waits were tiring. And on top of that, these weapons bought little joy in using them.

I've finally achieved marksman after years and years of practice. I used to be a bobo, because i get nervous easily. But now, i dont even feel the fear in the weapon. Numbed from the fact that i was made to re shoot five times and getting the same result for every single round. Meaning to say there was no need for the later 4, and i was exhausted by the time i finished the fifth. And by the 4th round, i've learnt to leave things to fate, and as a human i could only put my best foot forward and wait for fate to decide. I've learnt to take things easy, and to not drown myself in sorrow for not achieving perfection. For achieving the same result after 5 shoots only meant that it was meant to be. In fact my night shoot was good enough to qualify for marksman, telling me that it was somewhat all pre-arranged. I've saw the care from the sirs and sergeants. The softness showed in their eyes that revealed their humanity. They saw how dejected we were to be made to reshoot and gave as hope and motivation to push on again and again. Even the most cruel personality was softened in that instance.

As for the live grenade. It didnt require much technique. Remembering the drills is about all that you have to all. Word from a sergeant told me to be confident of myself for i know what i'm doing. But he didnt realise that it was him that made me lose mine. But i took his words pretty positively. He portrays a fatherly figure, trying to shape myself with the sharpest of his tools. I felt a connection there, and i very much treasure his efforts. For a simple reason that ' i am in charge of this recruit' he puts in his all, what less would he expect from us all. Talk about reciprocating, its only being fair to him.

Then again the platoon continues to breed hatred. Those who are blacklisted continues to stay firm in the list. Some are misunderstood, while some are simply toots. Despite time constraints, there are those who insist on their royal breakfast of toast and jam on top of the standard ones given. And there are those who must do selfish acts in times of emergency. I'm talking about luxuries like bathing when the rest are area cleaning, those who trample on others selfless efforts. I could only close my eyes, for i've quite given up on some of them. And i shall stay grateful for what i have. A compatible buddy, a bonded section, and a few others who cares for one another. They made army life better, so lets not think about the worst. Within the next week lies a test of human nature. It shall reveal the darkest matter of those who bears them. It will be a test of endurance which strengthens bonds. But to those who feels nothing about others, they might find themselves segregating from the rest as well. Good luck to everyone who will be embarking on the journey call 'field camp', all the best to them :] myself included.

2nd book in..

2011-05-22T16:19:00.000+08:00

before lunch today i was looking back at the day when i first enlisted. i've been through 1/3 of the course already. and soon enough, i will pass out from BMTC and get a real army job. basically the army clutters every second of my mind. i can think of something else for a moment but relates it back to army after awhile. always thinking about my next step, my desire vocation and how i should and would react under different scenario. it just keeps coming...

yesterday's college day gathered a large group of NSFs. among them i saw those who have entered OCS. but what was assuring was that im more determined than ever to enter specialist cadet school. i dun want to be an officer, i want the more forgiving rules of being a sergeant instead. everytime i look into the eyes of the officers, there is always this depth that i dare not reach out for. this glimmer in their eyes that inspires many little recruits like us. you will then understand that being an officer for the glory and to meet expectations is secondary, the core of this business is whether you have the urge to serve more than ever. selfish reasons like trying to meet the expectations of others in order to save yourself from shame will be humbled down right infront of even the lowest ranking officer there is. this is the real thing, not NCC. your reasons behind your decisions must be carefully considered.

another issue thats been topping the list is 'stepping up'. im always afraid to be an in charge. not because of the responsibilities, but because of the formalities. in fact im pretty clear of what i will do when im IC, but i simply cant stand the fear of the 'what ifs'. what if theres a special request? what if im missing out on info? what if i am left with no back up plans? what if, what if. i may seem paranoid but i just want to be mentally prepared beforehand. i like to imagine and make plans but its difficult to do so with a mountain full of unknowns. hmmm, actually the fear is reducing as i feel more prepared. what's gonna happen in the next 6 weeks, and what will my life be after this. i'm curious myself..

Army Days + College Day pics update!

2011-05-21T23:57:00.000+08:00

Army Days 2 (Week 3)

2011-05-21T02:00:00.000+08:00

yea! im back home again! but that 2 hours journey back never fails to inject fatigue into me. But anyway its been a short week thanks to vesak day. And that the week's been great, honestly. Though we get punished extra hard for the slacked off discipline since booked in, the activities had been more than satisfactory. Taking for example running in the pool to create currents that pushes everyone round and round. Or once again being a certified CPR and AED user? Or that i finally did well for IMT after all these years of screwing things up in NCC. Yup, army career is getting better and neither do i want to let the thoughts of field camp to bring my morale now. So till next book out, bye :)

Army Days 1 (confinement weeks)

2011-05-17T10:43:00.000+08:00

Going through military training at the current stage of life. I'm stripped of freedom, surrendered my time and spent it all into building the defence system of the nation. Its mentally exhausting, its physically demanding, its always testing my limits. 'Push beyond the limits' my fitness instructor said, and that is what i do everyday. Sometimes i'm reminded of HQ NCC training, but then again, its the real thing! and its much longer. I have to admit though that im adjusting pretty well thanks to NCC, at least i longer hold the resentment i felt towards the system back then. And apart from the heavy use of vulgarities, i pretty much respect my sirs and sergeants because i know that they meant well behind every action. And when they showed their softer sides to us, we might actually feel some care and concern. Most importantly, i'm not alone. With some pretty awesome characters around, life's definitely easier (though its still tough overall).

And yes i've still been trying to write, especially when there's a surge of emotions that i want to express. So here's bits and pieces of my diary

Day 1
It was the exact scenario faced back then. Exactly like NCC's. Morning became a conflict between reality and fantasy. A constant admiration of the scenary but only to be slapped hard by the cold reality. On the way to tekong i've encountered many places of memory. Be it night cycling to white sands, downtown east or the school visit to BMTC. These build ups of memories were all pleasant ones. But now that im enlisting, my heart feels much heavier with the burden of these memories. It seems that i'm lying, that i'm trying to hypnotize myself into believing and liking the system. That i would be adapting well because of NCC. And that i will do good in the army. But i want to be honest, i'm nervous and i'm not looking forward to the experience at all. I'm a true blue believer of rights to be free and i dont believe how enforcing something onto others can make them put in their best efforts. NS is unknown to me now, and that i do not want to be prejudged against it right before i enter. Hence i tried to calm my heart whenever i can with whatever means possible. And i tried to follow the motion of events low key. Be nice and be receptive, thats how i spent my first day. Anyway i got a nice buddy, thankfully :)

Day 2
Its the real thing, no reason for the sergeants to hold back. Its when the discipline and punishments kicks in, when i'm reminded by others of how i hated being disciplined. But there was a greater issue bothering me today. I was interviewed by the platoon commander and the main issue discussed was if i was interested in command school (specialist cadet school or officer cadet school). I immediately, i said 'OCS'. And when questioned why, i hesitated for around 15 seconds before i could find and answer. The first answer that came to my mind was 'because many others who i care about wants me to be in there'. It wasnt about me, it was about them. It was not to gain exposure like what i said to my PC, it was about lifting up to the expectations of others. To be honest, im not interested in command school. What really touched me in army was navy and medic. But since im unable to enter navy unless i signed on, i wanted to aim for a medic vocation. I would like to for once tell people that i dont want to be a commander but instead commit in roles i have interest in. Its pressure on and theres some important feelings to confess later on.

and since im out of time, i want to just summarize the rest.

My bunk is on the fifth floor, sea view and mainland scenery in sight. Changi airport control tower is visible as well. at night, just before turning in, i stare and reflect upon the shimmering lights. I want to break free from the system, for i have things im passionate about. Right now protecting the country aint speaking to me. I'm still staying personal and selfish. Will the army change me beliefs like NCC? I wonder about that..

Anyway the army has some pretty extreme stunts to pull. Apart from the intense scoldings and physical training, there's like firedrills. The worst had to be being caught off guard on the night of weapon presentation ceremony for the sake of making it memorable. Everyone's trying, some harder than the rest. But like what the country wants to stay like, we as the future soldiers to be longed to be free one day as well.

day of enlistment!

2011-05-03T07:14:00.000+08:00

as usual, like all the days before a big event, i would feel abit jittery and most likely go with the flow rather than initiate. im feeling alright, not so much of the puking and cold sweat now. in fact none! :D have been imagining the life there the entire night. if the people would be nice, when am i gonna get my first scolding etc. but nevertheless im still looking forward to a positive experience, hopefully. great thanks to those who had sent their well wishes, cya in the following week :p

a day before enlistment..

2011-05-02T13:29:00.000+08:00

im feeling nervous, i'll be honest here. but not the kind that's filled with negative thoughts or fear. but rather its carefully mixed with a small portion of excitement to meet new people and of course, adventure. i've been lying down for a really long time. ever since work started for me, i've been deprived of emotional freedom. its despite doing what you choose to do, you dont feel yourself letting loose and actually doing what you want. perhaps the standard routine of an office boy is just not my cup of tea. i've longed to experience mt ophir again and to be independent when doing something great, something like conquering a mountain or kayak in the open seas again. i used to do all those within a week, but these feel months just feel too calm for me. Talking about the field camp that most people dread, i'm dam looking forward to it :D . to let loose and crawl in the mud and drink water from the stream. to carry out operations like in the woods like the real thing. its something different from the urban life and would definitely be gratifying upon completion. look at what im saying, im going to be jailed for 2 weeks first, how can i be so happy about it. i suppose the fact that i've been through traditional ncc has somewhat prepared me mentally. as to what i would expect and what to do when things are against my principles. its no longer the time to relax and imagine the possibilities and to then counter them one by one. right now i feel like i should be rush and just brave through whatever's coming. its like, what could happen at worst? right? :)

t-w-o

2011-05-01T21:26:00.000+08:00

with 2 days left, my perception took a change for the better. perhaps it was the interview that brightened me up. or could it be that im just getting excited about the unavoidable calamity. whichever the case is, i actually feel like wanting to get in. not so much of the resistance, not so much of the past hatred, but a taste of curiosity for something new and adventurous. :) got to pack bag now, chao :p

post #400, dedicated to the people who appreciates (leeden limited) :)

2011-04-30T00:03:00.000+08:00

last day at leeden. as usual i felt welcomed there and appreciated. its a conducive environment for learning and best thing is the people there truly understands the word 'gratitude'. you see unlike many who just brushes you off, there comes a group of people who takes your effort to the heart. that is the kind of people i like to work with, but a pity though that it is not the sector im looking for. in any case im grateful that im there and now that my journey has ended, i wish Leeden HR all the best :)

the thing is for the first time i felt a strong pull while leaving. when i offed the lights and stood infront of the big glass door, the thought of not going back there ever again stopped me from leaving. i paused for a moment before looking back at the already locked, pitch dark room. 'goodbye' i said to the room, before walking off. these 4 months had been great, it was all in all enjoyable. thanks for everything! eileen, adeline, jercel, chervonne, dorcas, veron, judy :)

a pic of my favourite photocopier, ricoh

the office corridor...

the small shredder named 'shreddy'

the boss shredder in HR, love it :)

the officer view from jercel's table

my room :) its really 4 white walls :D

HR!

the gigantic lift that used to impress me :)

the company..

goodbye! the company that serves from the bottom of their hearts!

recent updates

2011-04-24T23:34:00.000+08:00

actually there's quite little drive to blog now. probably because there's no real ups and downs in my emotions and that life's getting really calm. im looking for something that i can feel strongly about, enough to cause the explosion of emotions here. but nevertheless, this week had been pretty alright i guess.

i've been busy with the farewell gifts and with many other events. and sadly i find myself losing quite abit of passion to work on my long term project. its just reluctance i guess and to an extent im feeling numb as well. repeatedly engaging in the same activity can sometimes make you lose all emotions in it. im still trying i guess, its a promise after all.

and to add on, im feeling strangely calm about army nowadays. in fact im looking forward to the change. oh gosh what happened the guy who feels resentful about this cursed system? hearing the stories i kinda feel excited about the change. i want that independent lifestyle and adventure. i guess this is what happens when life becomes plain and uninspiring.

tomorrow shall start the last week of my freedom. it shall be an eventful one where i can complete most of my projects and finally end what i should have finished long ago. it should be one where i treasure every moment in life and that i can feel good about. i need that little bit of spark to inspire as always and i truly hope for it to happen :) .

oh and fyi, i'm interviewing for a spot in NIE on friday. wish me luck :D

choices and decisions

2011-04-17T10:24:00.000+08:00

ever typed large chunks of paragraphs but only to select them all the delete them? struggling to put in the most accurate and helpful opinions possible so that it would be credible? its dam bloody hard :/

5th AMKSS Combined Uniform Group Ceremony

2011-04-15T21:44:00.001+08:00

With this event marks the stepping down of many CCAs. To me, it's probably my last event in a while's time. The ceremony was, to me, one that i would want to enjoy and make the most out of my time. Giggling with the seniors, doing stupid things during the ceremony, getting poked, but at the same time savouring every moment happening up on stage. I walked through it without regrets. Furthermore i had friends with me. Cp, raynor, officers and many other alumni that specially came down for the event. It was nice to see them once again, like a big recollection of memories before making the huge change later on. The time today was great, be it talking to friends, cadets or teachers. Or simply carrying chairs or teaching. I feel fulfilled and i feel whole. And from there, i can probably draw a really wonderful ending to my ncc life. I've spent the last day as normally and simply as i could :]

With teaching comes lecturing and with lecturing comes essays in this blog. I wouldnt hide but i'm not disappointed by today's performance. It wasnt particularly good but something tells me that they are not hopeless and that through a few round of testing, they would probably get it right. Again i wanted more control, i wanted them to make use of their powers more. I need just one strong, fierce instruction to let the juniors know who is leading. I need them to raise their expectations of the juniors more. I need more communication, not the OIC running around trying to fix things in dejection. I need basically, INITIATIVES from EVERYONE. How could it have been better? If there was another 2 people at the top that acts like the company in-charge. Each takes charge of 3 platoons and together with the OIC, they make decisions and issue out instructions. There's a concentration of responsibilities on the OIC and there's a lack of information at the bottom. So bottomline for all events is, who can the OIC trust to assist?
And that overwhelming responsibilities is one issue to take note of today. I've asked if you've accepted it. Willingly you answered yes. I take it that you have considered and balanced this together with your most wanted post in land and that in future you would be able to juggle it with the natural duties of a student. Since its your choice, it will be well supported by me but just know that we are leaving no room for regrets here and you can only keep striving until you ROD. All the best and best of luck here.

That brings me to the next burning topic, the top5. Its the same isnt it, who can the USM trust to assist himself. The ASM of course, so who shall the ASM be that our dear USM can put enough trust to let him into his work routine? I trusted Dinie ALOT, i mean it. And i find him really compatible to work with. And jeffrey and ck are definitely a pair. Zhi hong and vincent went out rough but made it in the end. Christina and Fei Yun worked comfortably together as well. So who's next? Its becoming hard at the moment but i think things are settling down well if i go along this line. :]

In addition, i've heard the confirmed date of ROD, first friday of june, 3rd. Regretfully, i'm not able to attend. I have to admit that seeing the batch that you recruited ROD is a great honour to have but unfortunately the honour is not mine to have. It felt alright when kaiser broke the news for i believe things were meant to be. Some day we might cross paths again, and hopefully we can still say hi. With that it is obvious how long i will disappear for. And so it seems its really the end.

-the end-

both amazing days...

2011-04-14T21:01:00.000+08:00

13 April 2011I suppose the highlight of the day comes after dealing with all those extra workload. A mini agthering as usual at the prata house. It was quite a talk, like those that would happen many times again after today. The old friends meet up kinda gathering :) I have the admit though, everything seems to revolve around army these days. I suppose my posts would be too in the coming future.

14 April 2011As you would probably have realised by now that the mood is quite average for a happy post. Today was supposed to be inspiring as well. I got a call from MOE asking me to reapply my application for the scholarship after trying to withdraw since i've lost my PW results. I was looking for a more perfect opportunity, but in actual fact i really wanted it now. Thank goodness. The lady was nice enough to encourage to take it on and provided me with some ideas of what to do. Thanks man :) Perhaps its the rain, after some messing around in the house, i have this ultimate reluctance to attend training. I mean it, 'ultimate'. I was thinking if i was needed, judging from chunyin's email, but i guess not :/ But at the same time i was the one who offered to help and I dont want to eat my own promises (though i understand that i technically i didnt promise anything). In the end i went and i was right. A step into the balcony and you can see the cadets working well on the banner. There was Mr Lai supporting the rehearsal, izuan and ren jie were there as well. Frankly speaking i dont feel needed and i understood the immense hatred i had for extra people who tried to take over training when i was a cadet. Opted to leave, there was a relieve of the burden. I suppose i will never feel like a mainstream if i am sitting on the line. And that means there will always be this hesistation of whether i'm needed before i enter. That set me thinking for awhile and that's the conclusion. Well, all the best to them and to tomorrow :) cheers :p

perhaps its the calm before the calamity ..

2011-04-11T22:59:00.000+08:00

i'm taking things quite easy now. quite relaxed and shedding off the forceful ways of doing things. perhaps at the back of my head i know how much enlisting means. that's why i'm doing my best to enjoy the remaining days.

'its just army, cant stand the hardship?'. thats probably the most usual comment that people would silently shoot at me. but its really not just that. since sec 1, when mega senior alvin came and taught us how to tie our bootlace, i overheard his conversation with the CO back then, mr tan wah kiat. 'You're enlisting soon! how fast.' At that particular moment i counted my years. '6' it shall be, so right now i can just put the thought of it off. But its never simple, especially when your cca is ncc. throughout the years i've been familiarizing with the army culture. but being an ncc cadet means that there is an extra burden behind you when you step in. your actions, your attitude is reflective of your background. comeon, naturally people expects MORE from us, its the norm. how do you not disappoint them but at the same time tolerate with the ruffian natures and on top of that prevent yourself from turning crude. Theres a lot more at stake when you come from ncc, and what's more jc. There's a high expectation there that is set before they even assess you in person. 'OCS OCS OCS', thats exactly what i've been hearing in school and in work. But i cant say i can get in! and the truth is i can only say 'i don't want to' as a protection. If possible, who don't want to be the best cadet and become an officer? but these expectations are seemingly abit overpowering at the moment.

mini gathering at ks'

2011-04-10T23:53:00.000+08:00

i think this must be one of better periods in life. there's gatherings, there's time set aside for hobbies and i'm working under understanding and kind bosses. I'm sorta in total control of what i'm doing and even if im unhappy, i could just walk out of the door if there's nothing really to lose. i supposed that's why people embraces freedom, its the flexibility it brings.

like how i always spend my Saturdays, its yet another round of gathering. bigger, better, and lots more close friends are in. to put things simply, we are all UG background. dosent matter if we quit halfway or join in later, or whether we are still in it or had already put things behind us, the bond was fostered and a common experience strengthened it. that itself is undeniably true :)

with that, i shall turn the attention back to friday. later that day held a rather light hearted discussion between the higher authorities. Why did it became an extra work rather than a place to flaunt your cca's talents. How did it turned from feeling proud to be in it to feeling a burden stucked to the back. Its getting harder because fewer people are working. Its losing its prestige because we see fewer cadets having strong emotional attachment to the CCA. At the same time, i thought officers may have a harder time relating downwards as the years passed. it is not necessarily true that only the cadets are working. even when officers/snrs tries to help, sometimes its just not well received. not feeling appreciated gives the worse feeling of them all. hence we may stress about how to improve our coordination, how to give but yet not pressurizing. trying, experimenting and initiating becomes quite a routine. but sometimes even i have to admit, that the strongest passion may flicker for a few moments. and that your stand weakens by the seemingly emotionless cadets who responds to the minimum or dosent respond at all. for some moments we feel excessive and unwelcomed. that's the msg i sometimes see from the council, or even from my own cca. how do we carry on if such weak bonds and trusts refuse to be tightened? how long is the council going to sit and drag?

indeed, i may only stop at the surface of the problem given my remaining time. but sometimes i simply want to be hopeful. that some day a cadet may stop by and understands where i'm coming from. and make that change eventually.

Affirmation Ceremony 2011

2011-04-08T22:15:00.000+08:00

2 years later, everything repeats itself. the biannual Affirmation Ceremony was back this afternoon. But contrary to many's opinion, i felt the ceremony had improved. Yes it has! Its indeed human nature to focus on perfection and that only flawless actions are worth beautifying in our minds. But again lets be honest with ourselves, the ceremony this time round had new flavours added in didnt it. Not forgetting to mention our dear emcees made little mistakes, and that there was actually MUSIC before the start of the ceremony. I've been longed for some entertainment to curb the awkward silence before the ceremony, luckily kaiser took this into considerations :) Overall i think it was still worth the time and that most of the problems were really unforeseen and unpredictable, be more forgiving to yourself and allow room in your mind to work on improving your next performance :)

The day was a rather engaging one for me. Apart from the usual chit chat with the kind teachers that genuinely showed their care for my future, there was birthday celebration for the USM. why didnt i get that ;O. lol. i don't really mind though, but it was fun to see how everyone wanted to celebrate for her and that in return she gave quite appropriate speeches. You can feel the bond and charisma of the CCA all of a sudden..

Pictures below illustrates the land tradition. Its funny how its the same every year, and how it became more of an exciting task rather menial labour. Times have changed, mindsets too. I suppose its becoming motivational now...

to rid the mushrooms off this blog!

2011-04-07T21:21:00.000+08:00

alright a few updates here and there in double quick time >< got to OT afterwards! ROAR!

- was laughing like a siao gina on the MRTm thanks to 987 fm :)
- dismantled and fixed a laminator :D
- blackout after first attempt to work the laminator again! fun sia :p, luckily the bosses are not around ^^
- muttons on the move made the day more cheery ^^
- good day after all ^^

:( counting down to NS :O

black and purple...

2011-03-30T20:45:00.000+08:00

its been a sulky day :( . to put things bluntly, i got reprimanded for screwing up. it wasnt from my direct boss though, its from people from other dept. but the thing is its different from getting scolded by a teacher. its a very demoralizing feeling as compared to the vengeful one in my school days. no matter how many excuses im giving myself, it dosent work. its just not feeling better until moments ago. its a miracle what words can do, even if they are from yourself. 'life has to carry on and the darker days have just passed, you've already settled the issue, that's all that matters now'. true enough it felt much better already :) i'm learning because i'm lacking in experience. i'm weak in dealing with people and i just have to improve. forget how many As i used to have, its experience that really counts in my worklife... :] good day to all..

Durian Fiesta @ Leeden Limited..(again)

2011-03-29T16:45:00.000+08:00

Yup, the company often have durian vans coming over to provide employees with free durians! You can see all the ladies with a seed half inside their mouth and lips fully of durian flesh. The guys would of course have to crack open the fruit, displaying their strength in the mean time... As for me :) i'm the photographer with the company's DSLR. Pretty fun :p..

But i thought what was more heartwarming was how kind the COO was to his employees. He gave a big pat on my back congratulating me for my results, followed by a hug and a few rubs. o.o it seems the gossips go far, but thats not the point. He then welcomed me to the company after Uni if i ever want to :) That made my day :) Its the recognition from the boss that gives a sense of satisfaction. Though its not for my work in the company, it felt great :) But i suppose i would be happier if a student comes up to me and say 'thanks! i understand now' :D sorry boss, but no plans to return... decline with thanks!

sudden rant.

2011-03-28T21:50:00.000+08:00

I REALLY FEEL LIKE BLOGGING NOW!

apparently there's this explosion of emotions again...

however much i try to convince that doing my best is enough, my best doesnt always seem enough to fulfill the promises, the duties, the commitment. im missing out much, to sacrifice for the next stage of life. Losses are never easy, espeically with emotional burdens. i should stop digging for what i've missed, the results are always regretful...

thankfully i'm still keeping touch with 'those guys' :p yup, 2/2 pals. its been like 6 years? o.o its always fun there, where you can genuinely feel happy and that there is no obligations at all. there is no 'end' to be afraid of... no forever goodbyes, no emotional barriers... its always easier there..

AMKSS Combined Uniformed Group Footdrill Competition 2011

2011-03-23T22:41:00.000+08:00

A little exhausted from these days, probably because of OT and stuff. Kinda get tired easily...

In any case i took a half day leave as a break today. Indeed, its a blessing to be able to work just till 12pm, to be able to see the sun when you are off work feels great!

And so i joined in the competition as a judge. A few things came to my mind which i shouldnt put it up front to the cadets, to keep the suspense. Hence i shall do my review here :)

Generally i'm missing a strong component; pride. Not the self-esteem kind of pride, but that of a memeber of a UG. Do you feel proud of yourself in the CCA? Do you feel like your CCA is different and better? Do you feel special as a UGian. What differentiates the participants and the winners lies is this simple word. Its not about how little mistakes you make or how many variety of drills, its about the confidence and arrogance that comes from within that separates you. When the entire platoon feels the want to fight for your CCA, the results from this unity are obvious. A single solide bang, the sound produced from efforts put in by those who feel proud about their CCA. This is perhaps my best explanation of the word 'pride'. This word is not from me btw, its from sir lester, the man who used the very same word in a much more powerful manner than me. At the end of the day, it all boils down to how much you feel for your own UG and it truly shows in the eyes of the seniors :]

Thankfully, i felt fortunate during the competition. Perhaps mesmerized by the level of focus achieved, i didnt write down any comments for the subsequent rounds. I was more keen on observing their looks and connecting to their thoughts. More drawn in by their movements that indicates their pride as landers. They felt proud, it was obvious. Proud of the CCA and most importantly, proud of themselves as a lander. They want the achievement, certainly. Perhaps it also shows how much winning this competition means to them. To bring honour to the CCA and be at the apex of the 6. Some of them are even beginning to develop aura. A certain feature that i've been looking for. Have you seen people who releases aura accidentally while they are focusing? The sharpness and depth in the eyes that pierces right through those who stares back, the glare, the fierceness. It's that natural aura that gives you your control, that makes those who are under you willing to listen to you and respect you. That distinguishes you as a leader among your peers. Are the charlies who have gained this able to control their aura? Have they even realised it? Its still alittle too early to tell, we'll just have to watch and see how these 'boys' continue to grow and achieve...

Anyway i would just like to touch on the topic of footdrill, the one thing unique to uniformed groups. Its more than just coordinated movements, its a channel to display who we are. With pride and aura, a simple sedia can bring goosebumps to the audiences. Look at freestyle drills, or PDS, these are all channels that showcases how strong you feel for the group. Taking cedar as a clear example, how much they want to bring honour to their unit is reflected in their movements. The sharpness, the formation, whatever, Its all in the effort that is reflected from their wants! its simple! Hence it was disappointing for the judges to see some of the cadets losing that glow in their eyes. The look that says 'i was forced here'. The actions that tells how indifferent they can feel whether they are last or first or how little the competition meant to them. Basically why is it not up to standard for some? Because the cadets dont feel strongly about the CCA anymore. To some, it might even turn into a chore...

Perhaps thats why NCC took a turn in their style of education years ago. They could have predicted it, that the new generation no longer learn through sheer hardship. And that through fun and building bonds and attachment to the CCA can the pride as a member of the NCC be developed. Hardship then adds challenges to the CCA, it moulds characters and creates experiences our cadets can look back at. Thats why the CCA is meaningful :] its value-adding...

in any case, the route ahead is quite exciting isnt it, hopefully some of them who are overstressing are already reliving their workload. :/

don't try too hard..

2011-03-22T11:16:00.001+08:00

i'm reaching 400 soon, amazed by how long i could last...

Yes, i'm misusing my time again. But sometimes its so rare to ever feel such emotions again and as such i would want to record them as quickly as possible.

I thought the unit was a little tense and a little dull recently. Probably due the last incident. But i chose to let it be, after some attempts to correct it. The replies received from both parties weren't as what i hope to be as well. Feeling abit of frustration there.

Today i found a rather plesant surprise in the mail box. I figured that no landers would be here, hence im typing this openly. It was CUGCeremony proposal from s.chun yin. First thing that shocked me got to be the number of pages. A hundred over page for a quarter day activity... I was wondering how did it get there. The details were mostly there and the components of the proposal was well-rounded. Many diagrams for illustrations.... Immediate thought, 'i'm not needed anymore..'. I guess this is the fun of it. People grow and skills mature. After struggling through proposals, the results are obvious. Personally i have no idea who contributed, but the proposal looks complete. The 'mostly perfect' comment i got in the mail was indeed true...

I'm comparing it with CUGCamp, where there seems to be a clear indication of the lack of teamwork among the uniformed groups. This time round, is it still the same? Well the results arent. Of course a quarter day cant be compared to 3D1N, but the next generation seems to be showing capability in achieving bite-size task. Soon their appetite should be voracious enough to swallow NDP and CUGCamp whole. Trainings are essential, and so are efforts. When there's the 2, there's results. The fruits of labour are not that obvious in the process, because they take time to ripe. To harvest them we put them through the next round of training, with every round comes better quality harvest. I suppose its what value adding means, be it skills, be it values. At the end of the day our cadets can feel proud of themselves for their growth, that's what i'm trying to say. I'm telling them to look up not because i'm plainly encouraging them, but because there's improvement everytime. But they always seem to fail to understand this point, causing them so much misery... Nor can i explicitly state it to them, it should be heartfelt at some point in time and neither would i want to invite arrogance. I think its only at the end of the journey do they realise that they've already conquered the summit. Like how i'm looking back at my ncc days through this blog. That miserable sad guy has understood that his life is not that sad after all. In fact i've realised it while making invitations for my own ROD in the land room. That's why i'm happier, that's why i know how much these experiences are hidden treasures for the cadets. When they look back one day, they should realise how much they've changed. Only those who had truly put their heart and soul into the CCA can reap the best fruits of labour, its the same for any commitment at hand... jia you ba :]

Freestyle Drills Competition 2011 Finals

2011-03-20T09:33:00.000+08:00

Once again, congratulations to the AMKSS NCC Land Freestyle Drill Squad for achieving 8th at national level :) I must say if the timing for the eventS had been more dispersed, the performance could definitely had been much better. But given limited time, some of you have probably reached your bottleneck.

Despite understanding, it dosent mean i'm tolerable towards arrogant attitude, much less to those who are being arrogant without strong support in terms of knowledge. Putting in your best efforts as well as not putting any due to underestimation are two different issues. But then again, who could say that you really mean what you've said. Many it was a mere facade to cover up.

In any case I hope to explain that it was not because of '8th' that caused the uproar, but rather the fact that a higher recognition was not achieved due to moments of folly. It was attainable, hence regrettable. Its regrettable, hence enraging. At the core of the lessons learned, i hope i do not see hatred or stubbornness. I wish to see reflections and change in the next opportunity you can get. I hope you understand that the more one feels for the unit, the more one is enraged, and the bigger the reaction. I hope you understand that a moment of insensitivity could build up anger so much more. I hope you be careful in your actions.

For myself, I think i'm being too nice for their own good as well, opting for a slow teaching method instead of trying to be on the same pace as the specialists. In fact i thought i've been pampering them with words much too often. If its time for a change, its time for a change. I should show abit of attitude if lessons are be learned. FYI, i dont attitude to them because i see them not reaching the standards. If they are trying hard, motivating them would in fact work better. But when it comes to mindset and attitude problems, and that there is a perpetual mindset that's making the cadets taking things lightly, sometimes i do have to admit talking is quite useless. At times i do feel like releasing that fierce aura again, the same one i used against my fellow UG mates a couple of years ago. It does highlight important lessons such as attitude change. If its not used too often, it should help right?..

In any case, i have to highlight that the performance standards as per yesterday had been raised. In terms of coordination, in terms of sharpness of movements. Indeed, practice makes perfect, even though time is needed for that. Given limited time, i still think its a splendid job there.

There's still more to learn but normally they comes with maturity. To speed things up, step forward and make that change. All the Best landers :)

i get that too often...

2011-03-19T00:02:00.001+08:00

its the feeling of being taken for granted :]

i've been smiling quite abit lately. As if life's going too smoothly. Well not exactly. I'm still pondering over if im being taken for granted.. like help is always on the way kinda thing.. like how do you balance between teaching the need to be independence with being dependent on you. Its a constant pull and push kind of situation that i'm always landing myself in. When exactly will i cross the line and how do i control how much to give. It becomes quite confusing for myself as well while trying to sort out my feelings. The classic kite-flying scenario...

Sometimes ignorance is indeed bliss. Pushing forward recklessly rather than being cautious at every step. Its quite emotionally tiring to be at the edge. Sometimes i should just let go and have the rest take the risks :) , rather than blogging about life problems. Besides im only eighteen, shouldnt i be living in my teenage dream while i still can, i'm only left with nineteenth after this.

Whenever i'm sorting out these things i dont get conclusions. Because i can only base them on conjectures. What will be my reaction when i do this. Its like role playing, but more on split personality. So how do i avoid and what should i observe. How can i pull strings behind the curtains. No worries im not doing harm, i'm just thinking how to contribute without being too extra / excessive. One too many one too few, 0.5 makes a really good deal. Not going all out but not being reserve, giving some but still there's some to conserve. That's a delicate control even for someone sensitive, but im sure i will master it withing a couple of years. The art of giving is not about flauting your all, it about learning, experiencing and feeling more. Feeling more of the values, more of the satisfaction, more of the happiness and feeling more learned. I suppose the previous sentence sums up what i'm trying to find in my actions and what keeps the drive... At the end of the day its quite selfish actually, especially for someone who has a voracious appetite emotionally...

im turning crazy as the night is no longer young. Better get some sleep :]

nights!

perhaps im over-sensitive again

2011-03-16T22:31:00.000+08:00

hmm... i supposed i underestimated them, i thought the blow would be harder to some, especially when the joy of a friendly rival bitters in another's heart. In any case it feels happier to know all is fine :] thank goodness...

i supposed i'm just imposing my reflection on them.. Like making a comparison between now and then. I admit it i was jealous back then, that's what pushed me... But well, i supposed cadets nowadays had acquire values so much easier than i used to. How fortunate :]

In any case congrats to all for passing the specs course :) another lovely all-pass result from land :D with additional bonus to widen the smile :] Jia you ba, i really do think the journey ahead is exciting. Do expect to learn even more and mature even more :D All the Best :p

envious

2011-03-14T21:05:00.002+08:00

get it right! its not jealousy :]

its the specs course season, and i'm kinda reminded of the good old days :] specs course was residential back then. Mine would have been a 4 days 3 night nightmare ><, if not for that kit kat pc. Back then, the course was at paya lebar, a run-down camp. The toilet cubicles had no doors and the bunk was simply a shed? The roof was made of zinc plates!

I'm reminded of how all the charlie would gather during mealtime to talk about our progress. Not forgetting to mention that we would countdown to the end of the camp using the number of meals left. It was a relief that the camp ended, definitely. And the moment when we finally got our specs shirt, our 2nd sgt rank and our specialist badge, the satisfaction was amazing.

I suppose its the experience that i treasure so much. The fear i used to feel, the rookie feeling and curiosity about everything new. The amazement i felt when i first interacted with the cedar girls, etc etc. Most importantly, the joy of cleaning up the toilet till it was sparkling as well as (yes i know) the saddened feeling i had when i was not chosen for any awards. The experience seems a little different now, more like a cadet officer course? But the urge to earn the 2nd sgt rank as well as that of an award remains rooted inside the cadets. I remembered how joyful i was back then in senior specialist course. True happiness that triump over all academic achievements. I'm dead serious, the happiness lasted around a week? compared to academic results that barely lasted for 5 minutes. But then again, treat it as a bonus and not as a must. Use it to motivate you to perform better than average but remain contented if you are awarded with just a 2nd sgt rank. Its recognition indeed, but an dwelling on it too much may backfire. Push, but not till over the edge. Indeed, remaining calm may just be the best remedy

words of gratitude...

2011-03-12T23:02:00.004+08:00

July 25, 2010, 10:57pm... thank you :]

a special song to show the importance of words... the motivation they can give and the emotions they evoke...enjoy..

amkss family day CUM ntu openhouse CUM desiree, happy birthday!

2011-03-12T18:14:00.003+08:00

The family day was kinda enjoyable :) meeting up with the teachers and friends (cadets included) and celebrating desiree's birthday. It was kinda rewarding to see how delighted she was, your thanks are much appreciated :)

"yes sir! yes sir!", shouted some sec 1 kids who were playing 'NCC' with their "commander"
"i know that guy! he is from NCC land!" shouted one of the kids in diam position
with a smirk as a thank you for the recognition, in my mind a reply came "yup, and i'm the real sir :D"

this batch of sec 1s are truly enthusiastic. As i shall assume they are not from land, they were nevertheless hilarious. These kids are so naive and simply happy :) , lol.

With the NTU openhouse next on our schedule, des and i decided to confront the volunteers regarding some burning questions in our mind. Indeed we were answered, and i'm quite satisfied with the answers i've got. True enough all i needed was a push from those who have had true 4 years experience. It felt more assured :] i'm grateful for the push :)

So here's the art craft stuffs and some basic culinary too :)

cant get them evenly shaped :/

Icing rm :D
SPAM!
family day picnic ...

another eventful day of my life

2011-03-11T22:38:00.002+08:00

one filled with art and craft as well as ncc ><

SERIOUSLY, i apologize for the wrong weather perception :( hmm, but thinking about the hideous nature trail bravo's gonna walk, NO REGRETS :] it will be during ophir, when there's rain and mud slide and stuff, truly unwelcoming but the unprepared. Well, i have to say going into the forest alone is kinda unpleasant. The loneliness, the hallucination :S the mind's going gaga ><

in any case, here's a blessing for the Charlie platoon. jia you :) if you want an award, then strive for it! But i would just have to say that those who are overly eager to perform tend to make the most mistakes, so dun put too much stress on yourself. Concentrate on the tests first ya? :P If you are truly outstanding and talented, there's really no way you can hide from the platoon commanders :) all the best guys!

passive

2011-03-10T17:40:00.002+08:00

for once, i felt that being passive is actually alright. theres no need to stress, theres no need to fight for a reply. all that is to do is actually to wait... to wait patiently for them to complete, to just stand by one side and await for questions if any. its actually alright... jia you ba :]

3rd Freestyle Drill Competition

2011-03-05T19:17:00.003+08:00

Well, congratulations to AMKSS Freestyle Drill squad for clinching the 1st runner up in Central District :) According to Snr Vincent, RSM commented to his planning comm that AMKSS has been constantly improving leaps and bounds :D congrats!

Though i thought its quite a meaningful day to celebrate and rejoice for their hardwork, I have some reserve if the cadets are able to keep up with this chain of activities that runs parallel with their academic performances... Hmm.... Apparently a conversations with a few of them revealed some dangerous individuals ><

On a lighter note, im sure all of them were over the moon moments ago with their outstanding performances. So i shall just have my views expressed in this little corner :)

(review shall not be spread outside of land :) )

In any case, try your best to balance. If you tell yourself that you will catch up, do it step by step. I understand how 8~9 subjects all at once can be demoralising and overwhelming...

All the best :)

my life has no regrets :)

2011-03-04T22:39:00.003+08:00

Apparently its the much awaited day... release of A level results :O

I'm satisfied :) Thanks!

I think i live to tell a tale. A tale relating to land. They say we are ruffians. They say we eat mud. They say we are hard labourers, they say we arent smart. They say JC CLTs will always get retained. They might even say we are hopeless. But they failed to realize that despite all our mistakes in the past, our efforts are bearing the sweetest fruit around. We have to prove ourselves right and we have to fight for our stand. And we are doing more than just fine, we are awesome :)

I think i owe much of today's happiness to the cadets. I feel settled, having to be able to relay my message. Its like gratitude and it feels great to know how much people appreciate. Sir Lester's words are ever so powerful. He first reminded us of our pride as a UGian. And then he reminded us that if we could ever change one person in our CCA, we will gain one more and we have changed another life for the better. It makes our job feels saint. At the end of the day, when i've finally reach the end, i might just be able to turn around and enjoy a wonderful scene :]

I've always been grateful to be given a place in Land. The spirit, the determination. The life long lessons that i've learnt there is like no other. Its not something that we could learn through a camp or through a course, its carved into you slowly, but surely. It taught me how our efforts can bring huge differences. How the reward is not always tangible but replaced heartfelt gratitude. Its feeling happy about what you do that is important. Its the CCA that taught me about passion. Indeed education has made an enormous impact on me, and i'm feeling strongly about returning...

lemon squeezy..

2011-03-03T20:32:00.000+08:00

its the best way i could describe this jittery feeling. The expression of tasting lemon together with a strong urge to clench your fist and squeeze something ><

omg its tmr! !!!

Probably a nightmare...

2011-02-28T10:41:00.003+08:00

I always take dreams as a simulator. To simulate my responses and reactions. To 'predict' beforehand and prepare. As such, i flooded my night with NCC stuff. I wanted to know how i would respond to some future situations. I wanted some answers. This is how Deja Vu came about, i suppose....

But I suppose dreams only respond to your sub-conscious mind. It happened that another event took over, the 'A' levels results. So here's a description.

Disappointing results in that i couldnt meet the requirement for the courses. In that my most confident Biology examination was scrapped off and hence no grades for it for all students. Why it was scrapped off was because of some new discovery from the scientist and hence the original answers no longer hold true. In the end Cambridge decided to remove the whole of Biology from the 'A' levels! WTH! Not forgetting to mention that it was something like a heterozygous chicken's recessive gene was dominating and it became pearly-white / grey in colour. WEIRD o.o And so i returned to the bus stop opposite my primary school to wait for a bus... which i couldnt remember what happened next.

Dreams often has no links, but they reflect true emotions. They show what you hold important in your life beneath what you think. They told me that no matter how much i hypnotize myself into believing that results does not matter as long as i could get to NIE, they still matter for the moment.

It was like war last night, waking up to an unbelievable yet relieving morning. The limbs were probably tired from the war. They responded accordingly. But in a jiffy, NCC struck me again. I suppose if i were to slept an hour longer, i could have found my answers... But for now, its back to work~

AMKSS NCC Land Annual Camp 2011

2011-02-27T20:57:00.003+08:00

Seventh Land Annual Camp.. and probably the last too. I've been walking down the path i've chosen for years now. Its been great hasn't it. Its been fulfilling. And surely, it's a job so worth the time. Its was an opportunity that presented itself as a hardcore 3 weeks camp initially. But who knew that commitment could paid off so much, mentally :)

Its amazing how people can grow in a few days, under extreme environments that trains the mind. From disorganized and struggle to feeling right in place and confident. It is in such camp that our cadets can be developed rapidly through practical experiences. Its a feeling of encouragement and console, that NCC Land does not lack leaders. That we, had always been able to bring out their potential little by little. All Charlie i supposed, went through periods to stress and dismay. Some broke down, only to show their deepest concerns in fulfilling their responsibilities. Thank goodness we have people that care, that wants to strive for not so always the best, but for the better is enough for me. I'm relieved much more than being disappointed and i must admit the hollow feeling when they started tearing. At the end of the camp, their eyes sparkled with so much more confidence. The little boys that used to pull pranks on me seems to have grown pretty much in an instant. That is why its such a gratifying job. Because you could see values inculcated into them that ultimately shaped their personalities. That's why this job is so addictive and that's why there's a drive to carry on. All the best to Charlie for their upcoming challenges. See them as opportunities that could make you better. See them not as obstacles to overcome. Embrace them with an open mind and most importantly, learn. They teach you life-long lessons, they teach you how to be you. At the end of the day, you will be amazed by how much you have attained, but how much a step at a time could bring with consistency. Jia you :)

To add on, I feel proud and jubilant. The numerous number of seniors that attended the camp is part and parcel for this. Everyone of them went through a journey with me. To speak as one of the oldest seniors, 'we saw them grow'. We saw them proceed on and we saw them accomplished. We them see them starting to help others, with a passion so similar to ours. It lights up the day, though of course their wild personality could be improved on :p

The specialists on the other hand grew pretty much as well. Those days they were fighting for jellies and giving out sweets. These personalities still exist but with an added drive to lead their juniors when called for. I was initially worried about having only a few powerhouse that is supporting the unit. But the camp re-established this mindset. It became a team of un-parallel pillars that supports the unit. Each with their own personality but united with a common goal. They have matured in this aspect after all. ..... :) .....

So glad i took on this job... :) so glad that i did... I think in the process, it is not the students that benefits all. The teacher does too. If he's willing to spend a little more effort each time, everyone gains. Like how perfect this relationship is, and so it confirms my future as well... :)

All the best Landers... Ignite the leader within you!

Its tough to be a guy...

2011-02-18T23:59:00.009+08:00

Hi guys, happy belated valentines :) And in addition to our newly appointed defenders of the nation, welcome back to comfort :) Frankly speaking, i'm quite moody now after talking to CP. Army.... hmmm

Anyway, here's what i did a week ago. To Far East Flora to prepare to valentines...

The flowers there are really quite affordable, especially when they comes in great variety and a nice cold room to play in. The journey there was a pleasant one :)

Here's the bouquet i bought. Not too bad huh?

Well cheap roses dosent come trimmed you know. Nor do they come with the little bottle of nutrients at the end of the stalk. Here's an advice. When bought home, diagonally cut the end of the stalk away, however much you want it. The trick here is to keep the stalk submerged throughout the process. As air pockets tend to get trapped at the opening of the stalk, this process is inevitable :p

some extra leaves and rose petals trimmed away
So here are the trimmed ones... Looking good right?
And a little pouch containing wet cotton wool to help the roses stay hydrated....
Copper coins (i seriously think they contain copper) to keep some bacteria away (they are the main cause of wilting, clogging up the xylems and preventing the roses from drinking).
All nice and done :) In PAIRS and completed with a black bow tie. Happy valentines day! ^^
Alright, lets go back 6 days before valentine. Its CNY celebration in Leeden Limited. With half day off and lots of red packets. Interestingly, we have our very own lion dance :)

A small lecher lion that goes stroking ladies' legs.... pervert >< onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wnzjEfYI8nQ/TV6Z6h49o_I/AAAAAAAADRA/HKUSpuLGfP4/s1600/DSC00976.JPG">Nevertheless, its quite cute if you think about it :)
And a few more weeks before, i was tasked by jercel, the senior executive to pay comptech a visit to submit the payroll. The journey's tough... with 2 blur taxi uncles that completely lost their way :/
Here's the view from my office....
And an open space for events... The door you see there leads to marketing communications, where the demonic lynndy lee is :S
Here's a bike to aid in my journey. I was supposed to collect items from some nearby company before heading down to comptech...

National Oxygen was my first destination... quite fun actually... with rocky paths and crossing the path of mega tonnes vehicles..

My notebook and my assignment...
On the way there....
Uncle went on the highway... WRONG :O
Vivo...
Lost again, a picture for remembrance...
LOST T_T
Finally... Im not heading to fujitsu... but instead to DBS, the door opposite fujitsu... the administrative work is quite easy actually.... And btw, why the hell do they need such a loooonnnnngggggg corridor :/
My first pay advice :D 28/1/2011.... ^^

My salary? confidential :D

flora @ sentosa~

2011-02-07T17:31:00.014+08:00

Well, mum decided to have a family day on day 4. Which i thought was pretty good, since its been some time since we had a proper family outing. And with the currently on-going flower display at sentosa, how could we miss it :)

the ever so majestic merlion..

the not-so-obvious-until-i-made-it-so duck
a big loop year rabbit to welcome the visitors

the tiger like rabbit...

this one's cuter. its a volcano rabbit. Looks abit flat, but its actually real~

mum and dad :D
sis and me :D

sis' fail shot to capture the entire family

who needs willy wonka? we have candylicious :D
fat rabbit's butt

peanut lamps

cool shop :D

that's all!

Its lunar new year FUN :D

2011-02-05T17:41:00.010+08:00

hi guys! hope your new year celebrations had been great so far :D

It's been awhile, hopefully i'm still as much as a blogger as i was before.

So, the great rabbit year has finally arrived. First thing's first, we the monkeys are gonna do great this year and don't forget our lucky number 2 as well as black as our lucky colour, how convenient :) Like for those superstitious peeps like cy, you do have to specially dress up in order to be lucky ^^ (get yours As man :D) .

My CNY had been alright so far. In fact i thought its abit more than alright, thanks to the WII set that my sis rented. $65 for 2 days, but the fun was endless. Shall dwell on them later. Apart from WII, the rest are generally fine. The steamboat was okay, the visitings were quite the same and the people are about the same as well. Its the same every year :)

Last saturday, after the reunion lunch with cp, cy and des last saturday, my mum thought it was a decent night to go shopping for flowers. Decent as it may seem at the beginning. It was POURING on the way to far east flora. Not to mention the temperature was dropping mad and the windscreen was all fogged and visibility was less than 10m. It was even more thrilling than Mario Kart WII. Nevertheless, we made it there safely. Fortunately we had umbrellas with us, or we would had been drenched along the way to the entrance. It seems though, that our luck ended there as the entire nursery was flooded :( happy were the flowers as they bloomed and smiled at the few customers who were foolish enough to visit them. I had fun though, getting my feet soaked in the water :p Snapped quite a few pic, hopefully they are clear enough for you...

a field of orchids..

Sunflower, naturally in its bud since there's no sun..

my mum said these flowers are called 小鸟花. which literally means flowers named after small birds.

brinjal was a surprise there, wonder what they signifies..
hydrangeas...

the coldroom was MAD COLD. i was all cuddled together and refuse to take another step forward. Mainly because i was a little wet when i entered. Coupled with the cold temperatures outside, it was FREEZING...

Tulips :) BTW, i saw christopher lee in this part of the nursery. Not that i know it was him straight away, but i was taken aback by the red boxers-like shorts and awful blue shirt. He wore a nerdy-frame and a cap to complete his look. Bleh! :p fann wong wasn't there though. Guess she was busy with her pedicure...

So i got home a pot of baby cherry blossoms :)
and mum wanted the thingy on top as a deco... not that i'm not liking it, it won't last.. o.o
Oh! and here's the WII set.. its comes with 4 remotes and 4 nunchuks. 4 "steering wheels"? and 2 rifle like thingy for house of dead 2. Pardon me, i'm not familiar with the terms... As for games, there's WII sports and WII resort sports. I like boxing best :D tiring too. Also, there's mario kart (awesome game) as well as rayman... the only game i didnt touch was house of dead 2.. it looks gore -.- not suitable to be played with young cousins...

Here's the webby if you would like to rent. I figured that the service was excellent and hence free advert :D $35/day with $5 off for every additional day. Free delivery and collection, but $100 deposit. Pretty convenient too...
Here's an update for the baby plant. 6 cherry blossoms bloomed so far :D awesome!

So basically that's all for the pictures, i didnt take much because i was engrossed in the games. The year had been pretty good so far... With reunion at AMKSS, steamboats and lots of fun as well. Hopefully it would carry on for the rest of the year. And to those who are enlisting in February, especially cp, kenneth, raynor and many more.... JIA YOU! :D actually, just stay low profile la :) that's my strategy..

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR!

it's not literally...

2011-01-22T11:06:00.004+08:00

oh well , i suppose it dosent really mean 'detached'. The bastard who tried to put me down got his shame, shallow. In any case, thanks the rest for sharing their experiences and tried to understand. What i meant was entering a different league. Because most of my friends are not attending school now, we hardly share any common topics. That's why i feel a little detached from them, those who up till last month still surrounds my world! That's why when i heard there's another AJCian in my company, i'm so elated... because someone out there, out of pure chances, is in the same world as i am.... We live our own lives, and its pretty obvious how drastic the change has been so far. And whenever i received news from amkss or from ajc, they no longer impact me as much as before. AMKSS or AJC, they are not my world now. My world now surrounds around leeden and friends and perhaps a little bit of NCC. I'm different because of what i'm experiencing. But think about it, aint we all the same?

in any case, what's the meaning of too bad? Too bad this kid is working? Too bad that because of this very reason that's why he's all alone and segregated from the rest? I'm so sorry but that's not it. And trying to put me down just made yourself look like you're jealous. No wonder you're so hated, because you always respond with the worst responses. You claim that people dont understand you. But in actual fact, you never really want to be close to them anyway. Its so reflected in your actions, in your words. How differently you treat the people. How you always see yourself as the victim but not the culprit as well. Its frustrating that no matter how i careful i am, you are always crossing the line! Be nice LAH! or just stay out of the affairs dude.

amazingly, most of what got me to blog are unhappy stuff, are things that make me jump. Not that i'm sadistic, but it just feels better to write about how i feel regarding these negative situations. As for the happy moments, its better to keep it to ourselves and savor them :) . Don't talk about sharing happy moments, think about how your listeners who might have nothing to share feel.

lunchtime slack ~

2011-01-18T12:19:00.002+08:00

oh well, its lunchtime... so mind as well blog alittle

I purposely skipped lunching with the ladies today. In case you didnt know, i'm the only guy in my dept and guys froms other dept are always like "oh, you're the only guy? how lucky". Horny bastards -.- like they know how difficult it is to work with a bunch of middle aged ladies who had gone through the entire stage of life except death.

They talk about their kids, fine. They talk about training their husbands to automatically foot the bill, fine. They talk about fats, fine. And then there's this time they about bra and boobs during lunch time, oh NOoo~. I tried staying quiet by munching on my fillet-o-fish. But as we all know how small burgers these days had shrunk to, how am i suppose to prolong my excuse for not speaking to them. Not like fries would work. I have to stuff 15 of them into mouth to show that i'm currently busy. :/ Yes, so the torturous training begun with the question "how big is big enough for you?" Wow, am i suppose to say 'Z'?

Well i suppose there's lots of awkward moments for me, especially lunch time. Hence i chose to fight for my freedom. To gobble down my canteen lunch without stress or awkwardness. It feels great :)

So that's it for lunch time, lets move on to work. Well who said that i only do administration -.- Oh comeon, theres more to that. There's like making friends with other departments and roaming around in the company. Its like an adventure whereby you meet kind people along the way that offers you help. It aint so bad, if the managers dont add stress to you. Actually, there's really not much to begin with, its just the lack of satisfaction that's making me gloom. Above that, i prefer to walk around the entire day, not occasionally. My legs gets itchy if i sit for too long. I suppose learning aint suppose to be fun afterall, but at the very least i didnt meet some demadning bosses.

Dealing with women aint easy!